The Absalom Spirit: How Narcissists Steal the Hearts of Your Friends and Family

covert narcissism flying monkeys narcissism in the bible narcissistic relationships spiritual root of narcissism spiritual warfare in narcissistic relationships triangulation Jun 17, 2026

You are in a war that others cannot see.

You have probably been told that if people are turning against you, you must be the problem. You are watching your friends, your family, or your church community suddenly treat you like the enemy, and you feel like you are losing your mind. You know the truth, but somehow, everyone else believes the lie.

But what if the problem isn't you? What if you are the target of a calculated, demonic strategy designed to isolate you and destroy your reputation?

Today, we are going to look at the biblical story of Absalom. I am going to show you exactly what the Absalom spirit is, how narcissists use triangulation and smear campaigns to steal the hearts of the people you love, and the profound way King David responded when it happened to him.

What is the Absalom Spirit?

Before we get into the text, we need to define what the Absalom spirit actually is. The enemy is out to steal, kill, and destroy. That is the purpose of every demonic spirit. But what sets each spirit apart is how they go about it. Each one has a unique strategy. An Absalom spirit steals and kills differently than a Leviathan spirit or a Jezebel spirit. You learn how the spirit operates based on how those individuals behaved in the Bible, what their character traits were, and what their step-by-step strategy was.

The Absalom spirit is the spirit of usurpation through deception. It infiltrates an existing structure, a family, a church, a ministry, and systematically redirects the loyalty and trust within that structure toward itself. It does not conquer by force. It seduces by deception.

The 5 Phases of the Absalom Spirit

I am going to break down the five phases of how the Absalom spirit steals. As we go through these phases, we are going to parallel them with how a narcissist behaves today. This teaching also builds on my previous articles about triangulation and flying monkeys, so if you haven't read those yet, I highly recommend you do.

Let's look at 2 Samuel chapter 15. Absalom is King David's son, and he wants the throne. But to understand his rebellion, we have to look at what motivated him on the inside.

Phase 1: The Foothold of Offense

Absalom was carrying a deep, unresolved offense. Years earlier, his sister Tamar had been raped by their half-brother Amnon. King David was furious, but he did nothing. Absalom carried that bitterness for two years before taking revenge and having Amnon killed. He had a legitimate grievance, his father had failed to protect his sister. But instead of dealing with his bitterness before God, he allowed it to grow into a full rebellion.

This is how the enemy gains a foothold. A demonic spirit cannot just land on someone; it needs an agreement. When a person holds onto an offense, refuses to forgive, and begins to believe they are the only one who can fix a situation, they come into agreement with an Absalom spirit. The bitterness is the bait; the spirit is the hook.

Phase 2: Building the Platform

Once the spirit has a foothold, it begins to build a platform.

"After this it happened that Absalom provided himself with chariots and horses, and fifty men to run before him." (2 Samuel 15:1)

Narcissists must first establish an image of authority, success, or extreme spirituality. They create a persona that demands respect. They build a platform before they launch their attack.

And Absalom had the perfect physical image for this. 2 Samuel 14 tells us that in all Israel, there was no one praised as much as Absalom for his good looks. From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head, there was no blemish in him. He was charismatic, beautiful, and flawless on the outside.

Phase 3: Accumulating Loyalty Capital

But an image and an offense aren't enough to steal a kingdom. They need loyalty.

"Absalom would rise early and stand beside the way to the gate. So it was, whenever anyone who had a lawsuit came to the king for a decision, that Absalom would call to him... Then Absalom would say to him, 'Look, your case is good and right; but there is no deputy of the king to hear you.'" (2 Samuel 15:2-3)

And verse 5 says, "And so it was, whenever anyone came near to bow down to him, that he would put out his hand and take him and kiss him."

Absalom didn't win people by attacking David directly at first. He won them by validating every single complaint without ever hearing the other side. He made everyone feel special, seen, and perfectly understood.

You know that moment when the narcissist suddenly becomes everyone's best friend? They are the most empathetic, listening ear to everyone else's problems. They are building loyalty capital. Loyalty capital is the trust and goodwill they accumulate by pretending to care about people's pain. They are making deposits into people's emotional bank accounts so that later, when they launch their smear campaign, those people will feel obligated to side with them.

You have to understand the spiritual dynamic here. The Absalom spirit operates under a counterfeit anointing. It mimics the Holy Spirit's comfort and empathy, but its goal is not healing, its goal is hijacking. It draws people in with a false light so it can eventually lead them into darkness and division.

Why do people fall for this? Why do your friends and family believe the lies? Romans 16:18 gives us the answer: "By smooth words and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the simple." People don't fall for the Absalom spirit because they are stupid. They fall for it because they have unmet needs, unhealed wounds, or a desire for validation. Absalom didn't just tell people David was bad; he told them they were right. He fed their flesh. And when a covert narcissist feeds someone's flesh, when they stroke their pride or validate their unhealed wounds, that person becomes spiritually compromised. They choose the comfort of the flattery over the reality of the truth, and a spiritual blindness sets in.

Phase 4: The Smear Campaign and Triangulation

Once the loyalty capital is built, the execution begins. This is where the triangulation and the smear campaign take over.

Look again at what Absalom said in verses 3 and 4: "Look, your case is good and right; but there is no deputy of the king to hear you. Oh, that I were made judge in the land, and everyone who has any suit or cause would come to me; then I would give him justice."

Notice the brilliance of this strategy. Absalom is never attacking David directly. He isn't standing at the gate screaming, "My father is a terrible king!" Instead, he subtly plants the seed that David doesn't care about them, but he does. He positions himself as the savior while painting the legitimate authority, his own father, as negligent.

This is exactly how a covert narcissist operates. Now, an overt narcissist is easy to spot, they are loud, arrogant, demanding, and they will attack you directly to your face. But a covert narcissist is different. They are quiet, they play the victim, and they use the language of concern.

Absalom was the ultimate covert narcissist. He triangulated people against David by whispering doubts. "It's such a shame your mother doesn't understand you like I do." "I'm so worried about the pastor, he just hasn't been himself lately, but I'm always here to pray with you." They never look like the aggressor; they look like the concerned, empathetic savior. And that is why the Absalom spirit is so dangerous, it destroys you while pretending to care about you.

And it works. Verse 6 says, "So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel."

Why does the Bible call this behavior "stealing"? The Hebrew word here is ganab. It is the exact same word used in the Ten Commandments for theft. Theft, in its literal meaning, is taking something that does not belong to you without permission. Absalom didn't earn their loyalty through years of faithful service; he stole it through deception.

When an Absalom spirit is at work, a spiritual blindness falls over the people being manipulated. That is why you can present them with hard facts, text messages, and proof of the narcissist's lies, and they still won't believe you. You are not just fighting a psychological manipulation; you are fighting a spiritual deception that has clouded their vision.

Phase 5: The Deployment

Absalom didn't just steal hearts; he recruited weapons. Verse 11 tells us that when Absalom finally left to launch his rebellion, "with Absalom went two hundred men invited from Jerusalem, and they went along innocently and did not know anything."

These are the ultimate flying monkeys. Two hundred innocent people who thought they were supporting a righteous cause, completely unaware they were being used as weapons in a smear campaign.

I want you to pause and really hear this next point. King David was the most powerful, highly regarded king in Israel's history. He killed Goliath. He defeated armies. He was beloved by many. And yet, he was not powerful enough to put a stop to the damage his son caused by turning people against him.

Why is this type of attack impossible to put a stop to? Because it operates in spaces you cannot access. It happens in private conversations, in subtle hallway comments, in text threads you aren't part of. By the time you realize the smear campaign is happening, the narcissist has already shaped the narrative. If David, with all his power, his anointing, and his track record, could not prevent a smear campaign from working, you need to stop blaming yourself for not being able to stop it either. You cannot out-manipulate a manipulator.

This is why Ephesians 6 tells us we do not wrestle against flesh and blood. The people turning against you are not your actual enemy, they are captives of a demonic strategy. The Absalom spirit uses them as pawns to destroy the God-ordained order and authority in your life.

David's Response: The Lord is My Shield

So how did David respond? This is where we find our strategy.

David was a valiant warrior. His instinct was to fight. He had the military resources to crush Absalom's rebellion. Later in chapter 16, when a man named Shimei is throwing stones and cursing David, David's general Abishai literally offers to go over and cut off Shimei's head. David had men willing to kill for him at a word.

But David refused to fight. Verse 14 says David told his servants, "Arise, and let us flee, or we shall not escape from Absalom."

Why did the greatest warrior in Israel run away? Because David understood that if he fought Absalom in Jerusalem, he would be fighting his own people. Think about this: the people standing with Absalom were Israelites. They were David's subjects. If David fought back, he would have to kill the very people whose hearts had been stolen.

This is exactly what happens in a smear campaign. If you try to defend yourself, you end up fighting your own family members, your own friends, your own church. You look like the one causing division. You look like the aggressor. And that is exactly what the narcissist wants.

David refused to play that game. Instead, he did something profound. He surrendered the outcome entirely to God.

In chapter 15, verse 25, David sends the Ark of God back to the city. He says, "If I find favor in the eyes of the Lord, He will bring me back and show me both it and His dwelling place. But if He says thus: 'I have no delight in you,' here I am, let Him do to me as seems good to Him."

David didn't try to use God as a weapon or a talisman. He left Jerusalem weeping, barefoot, with his head covered. And when Shimei was cursing him, David said, "Let him alone, and let him curse; for so the Lord has ordered him. It may be that the Lord will look on my affliction, and that the Lord will repay me with good for his cursing this day."

David understood that this was God's domain, not his. He left his reputation entirely in God's hands.

Absalom's rebellion ended in his own destruction. He was caught by his own hair in a tree and killed. The smear campaign destroyed the one who launched it, not the one it targeted. The truth always comes to light eventually.

But before we celebrate that ending, I need to speak to something much harder. Sometimes the Absalom in our lives is someone we love dearly, and we wish there could have been a better way. We did not handle everything perfectly. David's own issues and hangups caused him to not handle the violence against his daughter well, and this offended Absalom. We may have committed some grave sins ourselves.

A person who is deeply offended with you and envious may have open doors to an Absalom spirit. But it is also on them to handle their own hurts and offenses rightly before God, and not allow bitterness to take root. You cannot control that. And sadly, the outcome can be devastating to many when one person in a system, maybe a family, a church, a ministry, or an organization, doesn't deal with their bitterness, but allows it to grow and become empowered by demonic forces.

I know how much it hurts to watch people you love believe lies about you. I know the betrayal you feel when your own "familiar friend," as David wrote in Psalm 55, turns against you.

But you do not have to defend yourself. You do not have to run a counter-smear campaign. You can walk away, even if you are weeping, and trust that the God of justice sees exactly what was stolen from you.

In Psalm 3, which David wrote while he was fleeing from Absalom, he said: "But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head."

If you are choosing today to lay down your weapons, stop defending yourself, and let God be your vindicator, I want you to remember that the Lord is your shield.

Watch the video version of the blog here.

FREE RESOURCE: Don't forget to download The Narcissist's Playbook: 5 Biblical Strategies to Survive a Smear Campaign to help you navigate these difficult spiritual battles. Download it today!

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