Triangulation: The Demonic Tactic Manipulators Use to Destroy Your Relationships

covert narcissism effects of abuse i'm in the relationship narcissistic abuse narcissistic relationships triangulation understanding narcissism Feb 09, 2026

Have you ever walked into a room and felt the tension—only to realize someone's been talking about you behind your back?

Friends are suddenly cold. Support disappears. And no one will tell you why.

That's not random drama. That's a strategy.

When I say it's a demonic strategy, I don't mean something spooky or theatrical. I mean a strategy that mirrors Satan's core agenda: accusation, division, and control. It's a tactic designed to destroy relationships and isolate you from your support system.

In this article, we're going to pull back the curtain on one of the most confusing and destructive tactics in the manipulator's playbook: triangulation. You're going to learn exactly what it is, the five sneaky ways it's used to control you, and the biblical, practical steps you can take to shut it down and protect your peace.

What Is Triangulation? A Demonic Strategy of Control

While not all manipulators are narcissists, this tactic is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse.

Here’s the clearest definition:

Triangulation is when someone avoids direct communication and instead pulls a third party into a conflict to control the narrative and maintain power.

Why do they do this? For three main reasons:

To Control the Narrative: By being the middleman, they can twist your words, misrepresent your actions, and paint themselves as the reasonable one or the victim.
To Avoid Accountability: Direct communication is risky for a manipulator. You might confront them with the truth or hold them accountable. By bringing in a third person, they can deflect, deny, and hide.
To Create Chaos and Division: Chaos is not a byproduct for a manipulator—it's the environment they need to function.

Let me give you a classic example. Let's say you have a conflict with your mother-in-law. Maybe she showed up unannounced at your house for the third time this month, and you finally set a boundary: "I need you to call before you come over."

A healthy person would say, "Okay, I understand. I'll call next time." But a manipulator? Instead of talking to you about it, she calls your spouse and says, "I'm so hurt by what happened. I was only trying to help and spend time with my grandchildren, and she was so ungrateful and rude to me. I don't know what I did to deserve this."

Notice what just happened: your boundary became "abuse," and her intrusion became "help."

Now, your spouse is in the middle. They didn't witness the actual conversation. They only have their mother's version of events, which is dripping with victimhood and exaggeration. They come to you, confused and defensive of their mother. "Why were you so harsh with my mom? She was just trying to help."

The original conflict between you and your mother-in-law is completely lost. Now the conflict is between you and your spouse, and the manipulator is sitting back, pulling the strings, feeling powerful and vindicated.

That is triangulation in action. And it happens in workplaces, churches, families, and friendships every single day.

The 5 Most Common Types of Triangulation

Let's break down the five most common ways manipulators use triangulation to control you.

1. Comparison Triangulation: The Phantom Competitor

This form is subtle—but incredibly effective. This is when the manipulator constantly compares you to someone else to make you feel insecure and to control your behavior.

What it sounds like:

"Your sister is so much better with money than you are."
"My ex never had a problem with me working late. They understood that my career is important."
"Why can't you be more like [insert name]? They're always so cheerful and supportive."

The Goal: Comparison is control disguised as motivation. The disruption here is to your sense of self-worth. The manipulator creates a phantom competitor, forcing you to compete for their approval. It's a rigged game you can never win, designed to keep you feeling like you're constantly falling short.

2. Gossip & Smear Campaign Triangulation: Recruiting Flying Monkeys

This one is especially common in families and churches. The manipulator spreads lies, half-truths, and negative information about you to others to isolate you and damage your reputation.

What it looks like: They'll go to your friends, family, or even your pastor and say things like, "I'm so worried about them. They seem so unstable lately. I think they might be having a breakdown." Or, "They've been so angry and controlling. I'm honestly a little scared."

The Goal: They frame it as concern, but it's actually a smear campaign. And because they say it with such sincerity and worry, people believe them. The people they recruit become what Scripture would call unwitting accomplices—often called "flying monkeys." The disruption here is to your relationships and your reputation. The manipulator isolates you from your support system so that if you ever speak out about their abuse, no one will believe you. It's a preemptive strike that makes you feel completely alone.

3. Romantic & Jealousy Triangulation: The Insecure Leash

This is when the manipulator manufactures romantic competition to make you feel jealous and insecure.

What it looks like: They might constantly talk about an ex: "Oh, they used to make this dish all the time. It was amazing." They might flirt with someone in front of you and then act like you're being paranoid when you bring it up. Or they might invent a secret admirer: "Someone at work keeps leaving notes on my desk. It's so awkward."

The Goal: Jealousy is the leash. The disruption here is to your sense of security in the relationship. The manipulator wants you to feel like you could lose them at any moment, keeping you in a constant state of anxiety and competition with a ghost.

4. Authority & Expert Triangulation: Borrowed Credibility

This one is especially common in families and churches. This is when the manipulator uses the opinion of an "expert" or an authority figure to invalidate your feelings and prove that they are right.

What it sounds like:

"I was talking to my therapist, and they agree that you're being too sensitive."
"Pastor John said that a godly spouse should be more submissive."
"I read an article by a psychologist, and it said that people like you have trust issues."

The Goal: Borrowed authority is one of the most spiritually abusive forms of triangulation. The disruption here is to your confidence in your own reality. The manipulator borrows someone else's authority to silence you, making you feel like your perspective is completely invalid. It's a way of saying, "It's not just me who thinks you're wrong—every credible person thinks you're wrong."

5. Victim Triangulation: The Ultimate Manipulation

This brings us to the most sophisticated form of triangulation, which is when the manipulator plays the victim to recruit allies.

The scenario: You finally confront them about something they did. Maybe you raise your voice because you're frustrated. Within an hour, they've called a friend or family member and said, "They're yelling at me again. I don't know what to do. I feel so unsafe. I'm trying so hard, but nothing I do is ever good enough."

The Goal: They paint you as the abuser and themselves as the helpless victim. And now, that third party is texting you, calling you, telling you that you need to apologize and be more understanding. Notice how quickly the story spreads once they feel exposed.

The Atmosphere of Ambient Abuse

When a manipulator uses triangulation consistently, it doesn't just cause isolated conflicts; it creates what I call an atmosphere of ambient abuse.

It's like living in a room where the air is toxic—you don't see it, but you're constantly struggling to breathe. The entire relational environment becomes toxic, characterized by:

Constant Stress: You're always walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next conflict will erupt.
Second-Guessing: You start second-guessing every interaction—wondering who's heard what.
A Competitive Spirit: Instead of a loving, family atmosphere, everything becomes a competition. People are pitted against each other, and betrayals become common.
Deep Insecurity: You constantly feel off-balance, insecure, and questioning your own reality.

This is the opposite of how God intended relationships to function. God's kingdom is one of righteousness, peace, and joy. The manipulator's system is one of chaos, conflict, and anxiety.

The Biblical Perspective: God's Model vs. The Manipulator's Model

So, what does God have to say about this? The Bible is incredibly clear about the sin of division and gossip, and triangulation is both.

"A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends." - Proverbs 16:28

That is exactly what triangulation does. It separates. It divides. It destroys trust.

Jesus gives us the direct antidote to triangulation in Matthew 18:15:

"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over."

Notice the instruction: just between the two of you. Not through a third party. Not through gossip. Not through social media. God's model for conflict resolution is direct, honest, and private. It is the complete opposite of the manipulator's model of indirect, deceptive, and public manipulation.

From a spiritual warfare perspective, triangulation is the work of two primary spiritual strategies Scripture repeatedly warns us about: the spirit of accusation and the spirit of division. The enemy is called the "accuser of the brethren" in Revelation 12:10. His entire goal is to divide, confuse, and destroy relationships. When a manipulator uses triangulation, they are partnering with the enemy's primary strategy. They are doing the work of the accuser.

How to Respond: 2 Steps to Protect Your Peace

So, how do you respond when you realize you're being triangulated? In a future article, I'm going to give you God's complete, 7-step battle plan for dismantling triangulation. But for now, here are two foundational steps you can take today.

1. Refuse to Play the Game

When the manipulator comes to you with a story about a third person, do not engage. Do not take the bait. You can say something like, "It sounds like you have an issue with [the third person]. I'm not comfortable being in the middle of that. You should talk to them directly."

Now, discernment is critical here. Sometimes, a person coming to you is a true victim who genuinely needs help, and we are called to protect the vulnerable. So how do you tell the difference? This is such an important question that I created a separate resource on it called "3 Hidden Tests That Expose a False Victim." It will give you the confidence to apply this step with wisdom.

2. Go Directly to the Source

If you hear that someone has a problem with you, follow the Matthew 18 principle. Go to that person directly and say, "I heard that you were upset about [the issue]. Can we talk about it? I want to understand your perspective."

Nine times out of ten, you'll discover that the person either didn't say what the manipulator claimed they said, or they said something much milder and the manipulator exaggerated it. This exposes the manipulator's lies and brings the conflict into the light. And manipulators hate the light.

Triangulation is a cowardly and destructive tactic designed to keep you in a state of confusion and control. But now you know what it is, the five main types, and you have a biblical framework for how to respond.

Remember, we have only scratched the surface. In the next article in this series, we are going to do a deep dive into the complete 5-phase tactical playbook that manipulators use to execute triangulation. You don't want to miss it!

Remember, you don't have to choose between peace and truth. God never asks you to sacrifice one for the other. Because toxicity is NOT your destiny.

Click here to watch the video version of this article.

Downloadable Resources

Want more content like this?

Get encouraging and empowering content delivered straight to your inbox! Join my mailing list to receive weekly blogs and resources.

By filling this form, you agree to receive quality-filled communications from us. We will never spam you or share your information with a third party.