Why God Didn't Change Your Narcissist (and What He's Really Doing)

covert narcissism fulfilling your purpose has the narcissist changed? narcissistic relationships recovering after a narcissistic relationship Aug 28, 2025

What if I told you that your seemingly unanswered prayers during narcissistic abuse aren't evidence that God has abandoned you, but proof that He's working in ways you can't see to protect and prepare you for something better?

Have you ever found yourself on your knees, begging God to change your abuser, to soften their heart, or to make your relationship work, only to feel like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling? Maybe you've prayed for years for healing in your marriage or family, wondering why God seems silent while you're being destroyed emotionally and spiritually. Perhaps you've even questioned whether God cares about your suffering or if your faith is strong enough.

In this article, we'll explore one of the most painful aspects of surviving narcissistic abuse as a person of faith - when prayer seems unanswered and God feels distant. We'll discover why God sometimes says no to our most desperate prayers, learn how to recognize His protection even when it doesn't look like what we expected, and find hope in the midst of spiritual disappointment.

When God Feels Silent: The Spiritual Crisis of Abuse

Let me start by acknowledging something that many people feel but are afraid to say out loud: when you're being abused by someone you love, and your prayers for change seem to go unanswered, it can feel like God has abandoned you. It can shake your faith to its very core.

You've probably prayed prayers like these:

"God, please change their heart."
"Lord, help them see how much they're hurting me."
"Father, restore our relationship."
"Please, God, make them love me the way You love me."

And when months or years go by with no change - or worse, when things get worse - it's natural to wonder if God is listening at all.

This spiritual crisis is real, and it's devastating. You're not just dealing with the abuse itself - you're dealing with what feels like God's silence in the face of your suffering. It can make you question everything: your faith, your worth, your understanding of God's character, and even your own prayers.

But I want you to know that this experience doesn't make you a weak Christian or mean that your faith is insufficient. Even Jesus experienced what felt like God's silence. On the cross, He cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). If Jesus could feel abandoned by God in His darkest moment, it's okay for you to wrestle with these feelings too.

When God's "No" Is Actually Love

Here's something that might be hard to hear but is crucial for your healing: sometimes God says no to our most desperate prayers not because He doesn't love us, but because He loves us too much to give us what would ultimately harm us.

Think about it this way: when you pray for God to change your abuser, you're essentially asking Him to override their free will and force them to love you properly. But forced love isn't really love at all. God created us with the ability to choose, and that includes the ability to choose selfishness, cruelty, and rejection of His ways.

Isaiah 55:8-9 reminds us, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Sometimes what we think we need - for them to change, for the relationship to work, for the abuse to stop while we stay in the situation - isn't actually what's best for us. God sees the bigger picture. He sees what staying in that toxic environment is doing to your soul, your children, your future, and your ability to fulfill His purposes for your life.

God's Protection in Disguise

When God doesn't answer your prayer to change your abuser, He might be protecting you from settling for crumbs when He has a feast prepared for you. He might be saving you from a lifetime of walking on eggshells when He wants you to walk in freedom.

Here's what I've learned through my own journey and through walking with thousands of abuse survivors: God's protection often looks like closed doors, unanswered prayers, and circumstances that force us to make changes we wouldn't make otherwise.

When God doesn't soften your abuser's heart, He might be:

Hardening your resolve to protect yourself
Preparing to give you a healthy relationship instead of restoring a toxic one
Teaching you to love yourself enough to tolerate mistreatment no longer.

The Bible tells us in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Notice it doesn't say all things are good - it says God works all things together for good. Even the pain of unanswered prayer can be part of His good plan for your life.

Sometimes God's greatest mercy is His refusal to give us what we think we want. Psalm 84:11 promises, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." If God is withholding something from you, it's because it's not a good thing for you, even if it feels like it would be.

Sometimes God Wants Us to See the Truth

I want to share something with you that might change how you view God's apparent silence during your abuse. Sometimes God doesn't intervene immediately not because He doesn't care, but because He's allowing circumstances to reveal truth that you need to see.

Think about the story of Joseph in Genesis. His brothers sold him into slavery, and he spent years in prison for a crime he didn't commit. Where was God during those years of suffering? It might have seemed like God was silent, like Joseph's prayers were unanswered. But God was actually orchestrating events to position Joseph to save not just his own family, but entire nations from famine.

Joseph later told his brothers in Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

Truth Revealed Through Difficult Circumstances

Sometimes God allows us to experience the full weight of someone's character so that we'll finally see the truth we've been avoiding. Sometimes He lets us hit rock bottom so we'll finally reach up for His hand. Sometimes He allows our prayers to seem unanswered so we'll stop trying to fix what He wants us to leave.

This doesn't mean God causes the abuse - that's entirely the choice of the abuser. But it does mean that God can use even the worst circumstances to accomplish His purposes in our lives.

God's Silence Is Not God's Absence

Here's something crucial to understand: God's silence is not the same as God's absence. Just because you can't hear Him doesn't mean He's not there. Just because you can't see Him working doesn't mean He's inactive.

The Bible tells us in Isaiah 65:24, "Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear." God hears every prayer, even the ones that feel like they're falling on deaf ears. He's working behind the scenes in ways you can't see.

When God Seems Silent

Sometimes God is silent because:

He's already given you the answer, and He's waiting for you to act on it
He's preparing something so much better than what you're asking for
He's developing your character through the waiting
He's allowing you to see the full truth of your situation

How many times has the Holy Spirit whispered to your heart that you need to leave, that you deserve better, that this isn't His plan for your life? Sometimes our prayers for change are really prayers for permission to avoid the difficult but necessary steps He's already shown us.

Moving Beyond a Transactional Relationship with God

If you're approaching God like a vending machine - putting in your dollar prayer and expecting to get your Coca-Cola answer - you're missing out on the kind of relationship that's deeply satisfying and actually brings breakthrough in ways you can't imagine.

Think about it this way: imagine you have a teenager who lives in your house but treats you like a stranger. They come home, dump their stuff on the floor, go to their room, shut the door, and only come out when they need something. When they do talk to you, they're on their phone, giving you attitude, or asking for money. Then when they're in crisis, they suddenly want your help and attention. That's not a real relationship, is it?

Sometimes we approach God the same way. We live life on our own terms, make our own decisions without considering what He wants, and then when we're in trouble, we suddenly want Him to show up and fix everything. But that's not how genuine relationships work.

Building a Genuine Relationship with God

If you've never had a real relationship with God, or if you've been trying to relate to Him on your own terms, I want to give you an opportunity to change that. It's not about performing perfectly or following a bunch of rules - it's about trust and surrender.

A real relationship with God starts when you're ready to stop trying to control everything and let Him lead. It's about trusting Him enough to say, 'Your way, not mine.' You start living like someone who actually belongs to Him — listening when He speaks and following His lead.

When you're in genuine relationship with God through Jesus, your prayers aren't just desperate requests to a distant deity - they're conversations with a loving Father who knows what's best for you and is working everything together for your good, even when you can't see it.

Practical Steps for Maintaining Faith When God Seems Silent

How do you maintain faith when prayer seems unanswered and God feels distant? Here are some practical steps that have helped me and countless others:

1. Change Your Prayers

Instead of praying for God to change your abuser, pray for:

Wisdom to see your situation clearly
God to show you His will for your life
Understanding of how much He loves you
Courage to take necessary steps
Protection and guidance on your path forward

2. Look for God's Answers in Unexpected Places

Maybe He's not changing your abuser, but He's:

Changing you
Preparing you for freedom
Protecting you from what would destroy you
Building your strength and resilience
Creating a testimony that will help others

3. Remember God's Perfect Timing

Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." There's:

A time to fight for relationships and a time to let them go
A time to hope for change and a time to accept reality
A time to wait and a time to act
A time to grieve what could have been and a time to embrace what could be

4. Build a Support Network

Surround yourself with people who can pray with you and for you when your own faith feels weak. Galatians 6:2 tells us to "carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Your Pain Has Purpose

One of the most healing realizations you can have is that your unanswered prayers and your suffering are not wasted. God has a way of using our deepest pain for our greatest purpose.

Second Corinthians 1:3-4 tells us, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

Your experience of feeling abandoned by God, of wrestling with unanswered prayer, of walking through the valley of the shadow of death - all of this is preparing you to be a source of hope and healing for others who will walk this same path.

The Hidden Answers to Your Prayers

The prayers that seemed unanswered were actually being answered in ways you couldn't see. God was:

Developing your character
Strengthening your faith
Preparing you for a ministry of comfort
Creating a testimony of His faithfulness
Building resilience and wisdom in you

Your story of survival, of finding God in the darkness, of learning to trust Him even when you couldn't understand Him - this story will be a lifeline for someone else who feels abandoned and hopeless.

The Prayer You Didn't Know You Were Praying

Here's something beautiful that I want you to consider: what if God has been answering a prayer you didn't even know you were praying? What if, deep in your heart, beyond all the conscious prayers for change and healing, your soul was crying out for:

Freedom
Truth
Courage to choose yourself
Strength to walk away from what was destroying you

What if every door that closed, every prayer that seemed unanswered, every disappointment that pushed you closer to your breaking point was actually God answering that deeper prayer - the prayer of your soul for liberation?

Psalm 37:4 promises, "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Sometimes the deepest desire of our heart isn't what we think we want - it's what God knows we need. And sometimes He has to take away what we think we want to give us what we actually need.

Your freedom, your healing, your peace, your joy - these might be the answered prayers you didn't even know you were praying. God heard the cry of your soul for deliverance, even when your mouth was asking for something different.

God Has Not Abandoned You

If you're in the middle of what feels like unanswered prayer right now, I want you to know that God sees you, He hears you, and He has not abandoned you. His silence is not His absence. His delays are not His denials. His protection sometimes looks like closed doors and unanswered prayers.

Trust that:

He loves you too much to give you less than His best for your life
He's working behind the scenes in ways you can't see
Your story isn't over
The chapters He's writing now are preparing you for something beautiful

Your prayers are not falling on deaf ears. God is listening, He's working, and He's preparing something better than you can imagine. Hold on to faith, even when it's hard. Hold on to hope, even when it hurts. Hold on to the truth that toxicity is not your destiny.

Remember, toxicity is NOT your destiny. God's love for you is unshakeable, His plans for you are good, and He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Watch the video version of this blog here.

Are you wanting to recover your identity after coming out of a narcissistic relationship? Consider joining the waitlist for my 12-week group coaching program. Spots are limited. Click here to learn more.
If you are thinking of leaving, or have left a toxic environment and are in a season of transition, check out my free training on 3 three keys to navigate difficult transitions successfully. Each of these things brought so much breakthrough in my life.
Can Narcissists Genuinely Repent? What the Bible Says about a Narcissist’s Transformation [Read] [Watch]
When a Narcissist Loses Control Over You - 10 Unique Things They Will Do. [Watch] [Read]
When You Leave Them, 10 Ways They Will Gaslight You [Watch]
How to Discern and Resist this Diabolical Manipulation [Watch]
Dishonest Remorse: 5 Crafty Ways that Narcissists Try to Make You Think They're Sorry [Read] [Watch]
Can A Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Repentance is Real. [Watch]

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