Why Narcissists Say 'I Don't Know What You're Talking About' (And Seem Sincere)

covert narcissism effects of abuse has the narcissist changed? i'm in the relationship narcissistic abuse narcissistic relationships understanding narcissism Oct 22, 2025

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Have you ever heard those words from someone who clearly, CLEARLY did hurt you — and they seemed completely sincere when they said it? Like they genuinely had no memory of the conversation that devastated you, or the promise they broke, or the way they treated you just hours before?

You're not losing your mind. You're not imagining things. And you're definitely not alone.

Today, I'm going to explain how a psychological and spiritual dynamic called compartmentalization creates this exact confusion — and what you need to know to stay spiritually grounded and emotionally protected when you're dealing with someone whose mind works this way.

So what is compartmentalization, and why does it make you feel like you're talking to someone who wasn't even there when they hurt you?

Picture this: some people's minds operate like a house with soundproof rooms. The "room" that mistreated you and the "room" you're confronting when you try to address it? They don't connect. At all.

How Mental Compartments Work

One room holds their work persona — professional, reliable, respected. Another room holds their home behavior — critical, controlling, explosive. One room stores what they say they believe about love and kindness. Another room houses what they actually do when no one's watching.

And here's the thing — your brain can actually do this. It can literally disconnect:

Memories from emotions
Behaviors from consequences
Values from actions
Public persona from private behavior

So when they say "I don't remember doing that" or "That doesn't sound like me," sometimes they're not even lying. They're just locked in a different room.

But — and this is crucial — over time, choosing to keep those rooms sealed becomes a moral decision, not just a coping mechanism.

God's Design: Integration, Not Fragmentation

See, God's design for us is integration.

Psalm 86:11 says, "Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

David is asking God to help him be the same person in every room of his life — to have his worship, his relationships, his private thoughts, and his public actions all flowing from the same authentic heart.

This is the opposite of compartmentalization. God wants us to be whole people — people whose love for Him shows up consistently whether we're:

At church on Sunday or at home on Monday
With people who can benefit us or people who can't
In public where we're seen or in private where we're not

Jesus: The Perfect Example of Integration

Think about Jesus — His core character never changed, but His responses were perfectly appropriate to each situation. He was:

Gentle with broken sinners
Fierce with religious hypocrites
Welcoming to children with tenderness
Confrontational with Pharisees about truth
Compassionate to the woman caught in adultery
Direct with the rich young ruler about his idolatry

But notice: His love was consistent in every interaction. His commitment to truth never wavered. His heart for people's ultimate good remained the same whether He was blessing or rebuking. He wasn't one person in private and another in public. He wasn't kind to people who could benefit Him and harsh to those who couldn't. His character was integrated — whole, authentic, and trustworthy.

The Pharisees: A Warning About Divided Hearts

But compartmentalized people? They're like the Pharisees Jesus confronted — people who could quote Scripture beautifully in the temple while plotting murder in their hearts. People who tithed their spices while neglecting justice and mercy. They had divided hearts, and Jesus called them out for it.

The Lord's desire is wholeness — not fragmentation. When we choose to keep our hearts divided, living one way in public and another way in private, we're resisting His call toward authenticity and truth. We're essentially saying, "God, I'll let You have this room of my heart, but these other rooms? Those are mine to control."

Healthy vs. Harmful Compartmentalization

Now, let me be clear — we all compartmentalize to some degree, and sometimes it's actually healthy. Maybe you've:

Set aside your grief to show up for your kids
Left work stress at the door so you could be present for your family
Temporarily separated from painful emotions to function in a crisis

That kind of temporary emotional separation can be wise and protective.

When Compartmentalization Becomes Destructive

But the compartmentalization that shows up in narcissistic and emotionally unsafe relationships is different. It's not about temporary coping. It's about long-term avoidance of responsibility and accountability.

Here's what I've learned from years of walking with people through these relationships: while we might not choose how our minds initially protect us from pain, we absolutely choose whether we stay in that protective mode as adults. That's where the line gets drawn between survival and responsibility.

The Fortress Mind

People who operate this way have turned their minds into fortresses. Each room is:

Self-contained
Sealed off
Reinforced by denial, justification, and control

They can be incredibly effective in public and deeply destructive in private, because each compartment has its own:

Story
Values
Version of reality

This is why they can look you in the eye and seem genuinely confused when you confront them about their behavior. They really believe they didn't hurt you, because that memory — along with the guilt, the responsibility, the emotional impact — is locked in another room that they're not currently accessing.

The Sincere Confusion: How It's Possible

That might sound impossible, but I've seen it countless times. These individuals often appear deeply sincere because they're speaking from a compartment that genuinely doesn't connect to the guilt, memory, or emotion stored elsewhere.

But here's what you need to understand: that disconnect is something they've learned to maintain. And it's something they can change if they choose to.

The Brain's Capacity for Change

Your brain has this incredible ability to rewire itself throughout your entire life. People can literally change how they think, feel, and respond through intentional work:

Counseling can reshape thought patterns
Spiritual disciplines can transform emotional responses
The work of integration can connect those separated rooms

So when someone continues to live in these sealed-off compartments, refusing to do the work of connecting them, that's not a limitation they can't overcome. That's a choice they're making.

Just because there's an explanation doesn't mean there's an excuse.

The Empathy Revelation: They Can, They Just Won't

Now, I want to share something with you that completely changed how I understand these relationships. For decades, we were told that narcissistic people simply couldn't feel empathy — that they were missing some crucial emotional wiring that the rest of us have.

But here's what researchers discovered when they dug deeper: these individuals aren't missing empathy at all. They understand exactly what you're feeling. They can read your emotions, your needs, your pain with startling accuracy.

The problem isn't that they can't see your hurt — it's that they choose not to care unless caring benefits them somehow.

Strategic Empathy in Action

Think about it: Have you ever noticed how the person who claims they "don't understand" why you're upset can suddenly become incredibly perceptive and compassionate when:

They want something from you?
They're trying to win you back after you've set a boundary?
They're in front of people who matter to them?
Their job or reputation is on the line?

That's not a miraculous healing of their empathy. That's them choosing to deploy the empathy they've always had — but only when it serves their purposes.

They understand your feelings perfectly. They just don't think your feelings matter unless those feelings can somehow serve them. That's not a disability — that's a choice.

The Trap of Trauma Compassion

Now, you might be thinking, "But if trauma created these patterns, maybe they really can't help how they respond. Maybe I should be more patient because their past made them this way."

Listen to me carefully: Yes, trauma affects how our minds develop and how we learn to protect ourselves. But it doesn't destroy our ability to choose differently as adults.

The Tale of Two Responses

Here's what I've witnessed over and over again: many trauma survivors grow in empathy, become more responsible, and pursue healing. They work incredibly hard to not repeat the patterns they experienced. They choose the difficult path of facing their pain and doing the work of integration.

So when someone continues harmful patterns into adulthood, refusing to do the work of healing and growth? That's no longer trauma response — that's choice.

Ezekiel 18:20 says, "The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child." God makes it clear that we're each responsible for our own choices, regardless of what was done to us.

God's Call to Accountability

And here's the beautiful truth: God never asks us to do something we're incapable of. When He calls us to:

Forgiveness
Love
Integrity

He's calling us to something He's equipped us for. Our past may explain our struggles, but it doesn't excuse our choices. Accountability isn't erased by our history — it's measured by our response to His grace and truth.

The difference between trauma survivors who heal and those who harm? The ones who heal chose integration over compartmentalization. They chose responsibility over avoidance. They chose the hard work of letting their rooms connect, even when it was painful.

The Choice Factor: How You Know It's Deliberate

Here's how you know compartmentalization involves choice: watch how their empathy and accountability appear and disappear based on who's watching.

Strategic Empathy Patterns

When their job is on the line — suddenly they can access:

Memory
Accountability
Even remorse

When they're in legal trouble — amazingly, they:

Remember everything
Can articulate exactly what went wrong
Show appropriate concern

When they want something from you — their empathy comes flooding back with:

Charm
Thoughtfulness
Perfect understanding of your needs

I call this strategic empathy. They can be charming, thoughtful, and empathetic — when it serves them:

At work
With people they want to impress
With pastors or therapists
With authority figures who have consequences to offer

But behind closed doors? The compartments shift, and the harm continues.

This proves they're not lacking the capacity for appropriate behavior. They're choosing when and where to use it. That's not a brain wiring issue — that's a strategic decision.

Biblical Perspective on Divided Hearts

Scripture is crystal clear about this kind of divided living. James 1:8 warns us that "a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways." The word "double-minded" literally means having two souls or two minds — exactly what we see in compartmentalization. James is saying that when someone operates from divided loyalties, divided values, or divided identities, instability follows them everywhere.

The Impossibility of Serving Two Masters

Think about it: if someone can be loving and generous at church but cruel and stingy at home, which version is the real them? James would say neither — because they're unstable in ALL their ways. You can't:

Trust their kindness because you've seen their cruelty
Rely on their promises because you've witnessed their deception

Jesus said in Matthew 6:24, "You cannot serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other." He's talking about money in that passage, but the principle applies to every area of life. You cannot serve:

Your image and serve truth
Your comfort and serve love
Your ego and serve God

Compartmentalized people are trying to serve multiple masters — they want to serve their reputation while serving their selfishness, serve their spiritual image while serving their flesh. But Jesus says it's impossible. Eventually, one master will win, and usually it's not the one that leads to life and health.

God's Call to Integration

The Bible consistently calls us toward integration, authenticity, and wholeness. When someone chooses to live in compartments — being one person at church and another at home, preaching love while practicing cruelty — they're resisting God's design for human flourishing.

But here's where biblical compassion gets misunderstood. Galatians 6:2 tells us to "carry one another's burdens," but verse 5 says "each one should carry their own load." There's a difference between helping someone who's doing the work and carrying someone who refuses to walk.

Biblical compassion never asks you to carry someone who refuses to do the work of integration. Love calls people toward healing, but never at the expense of your safety or sanity.

Jesus and the Compartmentalized

Jesus encountered compartmentalized people constantly — the Pharisees who could be moved by spiritual truths in one moment while plotting His death in the next. He didn't try to integrate their compartments for them. He recognized what He was dealing with and responded with wisdom, not wishful thinking.

Protecting Yourself from Compartmentalized Minds

So how do you protect yourself when you're dealing with someone whose mind works this way?

1. Stop Trying to Integrate Someone Else's Divided Mind

That's their responsibility, not yours. You cannot:

Force someone to connect their compartments
Love them into wholeness
Reason with rooms that don't talk to each other

2. Don't Trust Compartments — Trust Patterns

The "loving" compartment might promise change, but if the "harmful" compartment keeps showing up, believe the pattern, not the promise.

3. Don't Measure Repentance by Words — Measure It by Sustained Integration

Real change in compartmentalized individuals requires them to do the hard work of letting their rooms connect. Surface changes or temporary improvements usually just mean a different compartment has taken control temporarily.

4. Set Boundaries Based on Behavior, Not Stated Values

Don't engage with the "spiritual self" when addressing issues caused by the "abusive self." Don't let the "remorseful self" override the evidence from the "destructive self."

When someone refuses to integrate, they are choosing to avoid the moral responsibility that comes with being fully present across all areas of life. That's not immaturity — that's evasion. And you don't have to enable it.

The Truth That Sets You Free

Here's what I want you to walk away knowing: You're not crazy. You're not imagining things. You're seeing reality clearly.

When someone says "I don't know what you're talking about" while seeming completely sincere, you're witnessing compartmentalization in action. But you're also witnessing choice — the choice to maintain divided rooms rather than do the work of integration.

They Can Help It — They're Choosing Not To

They can help it — they're choosing not to. And that means you are free to:

Choose wisdom over wishful thinking
Walk in truth, even if they stay in denial
Protect your peace, even if they refuse to pursue theirs

Matthew 7:16 says, "By their fruits you will know them." Not by their promises. Not by their potential. Not by their trauma history or their spiritual language. But by their patterns — the consistent fruit of their choices over time.

Breaking Free from the Confusion Cycle

The confusion you've been feeling isn't because you're not loving enough or not trying hard enough. It's because you've been trying to have an integrated conversation with a compartmentalized mind.

Understanding this dynamic can set you free from the endless cycle of hope and disappointment. It can help you make decisions based on biblical wisdom rather than wishful thinking.

You Deserve Integrated Relationships

You deserve relationships where people show up as whole, integrated human beings. Don't settle for anything less.

Remember, toxicity is not your destiny. Protecting your heart from people who consistently trample it isn't unloving — it's biblical wisdom. And choosing truth over denial? That's not giving up on someone. That's honoring the image of God in yourself.

If you need help recognizing the signs of compartmentalized behavior in your relationships, I've created a free checklist that breaks down exactly what to look for. This resource will help you identify patterns of compartmentalization and give you practical wisdom for protecting yourself while maintaining your faith and integrity.

Related Resources

How Narcissists Weaponize their Healing [Read] [Watch]
Pseudo-Vulnerability: When Manipulation Masquerades as Openness [Read] [Watch]
The Narcissist and the Holy Spirit: Why Spiritual Transformation is so Rare [Read] [Watch]
False Guilt: When the Enemy Uses Shame to Control You [Read] [Watch]
What Narcissists Really Feel When You Discard Them: The Five Primary Responses [Read] [Watch]
The Collapse of a Narcissist: What Happens When a Narcissist Hits Rock Bottom? [Read] [Watch]
How to Vet a Biblical Counselor for Narcissistic Abuse [Watch] [Read]
Urgent Letter to the Pastor's or Minister's Wife [Read] [Watch]

Downloadable Resources

Want more content like this?

Get encouraging and empowering content delivered straight to your inbox! Join my mailing list to receive weekly blogs and resources.

By filling this form, you agree to receive quality-filled communications from us. We will never spam you or share your information with a third party.