The Collapse of a Narcissist: What Happens When a Narcissist Hits Rock Bottom?

covert narcissism has the narcissist changed? narcissistic relationships recovering after a narcissistic relationship Jun 04, 2025

It can be deeply unsettling to watch the narcissist in your life suddenly come undone — crying, spiraling, saying things that sound like regret, even desperation.

They may speak as if they’ve hit rock bottom. Perhaps they say, “I can’t live without you,” or begin sending cryptic, alarming messages that leave you anxious, disoriented, even guilty.

And for a moment, your heart wants to believe: Maybe this is it. Maybe they finally see the damage they’ve caused.

But what if what appears to be brokenness… is actually another attempt to regain control?

This is one of the most emotionally disorienting dynamics in a toxic relationship — when the person who’s caused harm suddenly looks like the one who’s hurting.

The tears, the panic, the pleas for another chance can sound sincere — even spiritual. But emotional collapse doesn’t always signal true repentance. Sometimes it marks the start of a new cycle — one cloaked in sorrow, but still centered on self.

That’s why, as followers of Jesus Christ, compassion alone is not enough. We also need spiritual discernment — the kind that can tell the difference between manipulation and transformation.

In this blog, I’m going to walk with you through what narcissistic collapse really is, why it happens, how to recognize it, and most importantly, how to respond through the lens of God’s Word. Not with fear. Not with guilt. Not with false hope. But with wisdom, peace, and spiritual clarity.

What is Narcissistic Collapse?

First, let's define what we mean by “narcissistic collapse.” It's what happens when a narcissist loses their primary sources of narcissistic supply – the admiration, attention, control, and special treatment they crave and, frankly, feel entitled to.

It can be triggered by a major failure, a public exposure, the loss of a key relationship, or any situation where their carefully constructed false self shatters. It could be a massive hitting of rock bottom. Suddenly, the grandiose, confident (or covertly superior) individual seems to crumble.

When a narcissist experiences collapse, the pain they express is often genuine. They may be truly anxious, deeply depressed, physically unwell, or unraveling after years of broken relationships. In some cases, they find themselves isolated, facing consequences they never expected, and overwhelmed with what appears to be remorse — even if they still can’t fully own their part in the damage.

This is what makes such moments especially confusing — and spiritually risky — for people of faith.

Why Narcissistic Collapse Can be So Confusing

As Christians, we’re called to compassion. We’re called to mercy. We’re called to forgive. So when we witness someone in distress — someone who appears shattered, desperate, or perhaps even repentant — something in our spiritual DNA longs to respond. We want to reach out. We want to comfort. We want to be Christlike.

But with a collapsed narcissist, appearances can be deceiving. What you see may not be what’s truly happening. The emotional and spiritual waters become murky, and the boundaries hard to discern. And the stakes? They’re high — not just emotionally, but spiritually.

That’s why discernment in these moments is not just important — it’s essential.

What's Happening Beneath the Surface of a Narcissistic Collapse — and How You Can Respond with Both Compassion and Clarity

If you’ve experienced this dynamic before, you might already feel a swirl of emotions rising. There’s often a strong internal pull — a flicker of hope that maybe this time is different, that this is finally rock bottom. You might feel deep concern, especially if they’re hinting at self-harm or using language that sounds like a farewell. It’s natural to fear for their safety.

And yet, even with all that emotional intensity, something may still feel off. You don’t see any real ownership. Their core behavior hasn’t changed. And while your heart aches, your spirit may feel confused, uneasy, even manipulated — especially when they begin referencing health issues, whether real or exaggerated, to draw sympathy and shift focus back onto themselves.

So what exactly does this collapse look like on the surface? And what might be happening underneath?

On the outside, the emotional display can be overwhelming. You might see what looks like profound sorrow: tears, panic, dramatic statements like “I’ve lost everything” or “I can’t go on.”

There could be real symptoms of anxiety, depression, or even sudden health diagnoses — often surfacing right in the middle of a relational crisis.

It’s important to acknowledge: these symptoms may be real. The suffering might be genuine. But pain, by itself, doesn’t equal repentance. It’s what someone does with their pain that reveals whether healing is actually possible.

Because sometimes — even unintentionally — these moments become tools. Tools to avoid accountability. Tools to shift attention. Tools to pull you out of truth-teller mode and cast you in the role of rescuer. You stop asking the hard questions. You start questioning your boundaries.

Then comes the spiritual shift.

The person who once resisted God or mocked your faith suddenly speaks a different language. They quote Scripture. They mention prayer. They speak softly, sound humbled, maybe even claim they’re ready to change.

It’s disarming — especially when you’ve been praying for a breakthrough. When you’ve longed to see any glimpse of conviction. And just when hope begins to rise… it’s often followed by despair. Silence. Withdrawal. Or terrifying words like, “
I don’t want to live anymore.”
“You’ll be better off without me.”
“I have nothing left.”

If you’ve heard those words, you know how quickly they cut. Panic takes over. Guilt rushes in. And suddenly, instead of holding the boundary God helped you set, you’re comforting the very person who crossed it.

And this is exactly what we need to talk about.

When Guilt Clouds Discernment: Understanding Strategic Helplessness

In many cases — not always, but often — what looks like repentance is something else entirely. It’s what I call strategic helplessness.

This isn’t always a conscious tactic. But it is deeply effective. It shifts the focus away from the harm that’s been done and redirects it toward their suffering. And subtly, it begins to assign you the role of fixer — placing the burden on you to repair what they refuse to take responsibility for.

The result?
You’re exhausted.
They remain stuck.
And nothing truly changes.

Here’s a truth worth returning to again and again:
True repentance always bears fruit.
Strategic helplessness only bears more helplessness — and more pressure on you.

Let’s name the “what ifs.” Because I know many of you are carrying them silently.

What if I walk away, and they get sick?
What if they spiral? What if they die?
What if they take their own life?

Beneath those questions is often a deeper fear — I couldn’t live with the guilt if something happened.

If that’s where you are — torn between doing what’s right and terrified of getting it wrong — please hear this:

God does not hold you responsible for another person’s choices.
Not their self-destruction.
Not their refusal to change.
Not the consequences of a life shaped by their own decisions.

Yes, you’re called to love. But you’re also called to walk in wisdom.

Jesus Himself walked away from people who rejected the truth. He didn’t run after the rich young ruler. He didn’t try to stop Judas. He allowed people to feel the weight of their choices — not out of indifference, but out of love.

Because forced mercy doesn’t bring healing. And rescuing someone from their consequences can actually delay repentance.

So yes — grieve.
Yes — pray.
Yes — mourn the pain and brokenness that led them here.

But no — you are not abandoning them.

You are entrusting them to the only One who can truly save.

And when guilt creeps in — as it inevitably will — bring it to Jesus. Let your prayer be this:

“Lord, You know I love them. But I am not their Savior. I release them into Your hands.”

Because the truth is this:
You cannot save someone by sacrificing your own soul.
You are not heartless for creating distance.
You are not cruel for choosing peace.
And you are not wrong for saying, “I cannot carry this anymore.”

Sometimes, the most Christlike thing you can do… is step back, and let God be God.

It May Look Like Transformation, but it is Still Manipulation

This brings us to the second point: It may look like transformation — but often, it’s still manipulation. It may not be in a cold, calculating way. But in the sense that… the pattern hasn’t actually changed.

The collapse can become a new — and sometimes more subtle — way to regain control.

And here’s how: pity.

Pity is powerful. If they can stir up enough sympathy, they may be able to draw you back in — not because they’ve truly changed, but because they know your heart. They know you care. They know guilt works. And suddenly, they’re not the one being held accountable…They’re the one being comforted.That’s the switch. And it’s easy to miss.

Even in the Middle of Their Distress, the Focus Remains on Self – not on God

Here’s the third thing to watch for: Even in the middle of their distress, the focus often remains on self — not on God, and not on the people they’ve harmed. Listen to their words. Is it all about their suffering? Their loneliness? Their despair? Or is there real humility… a desire to make things right… a turning toward God in surrender? Because even spiritual language can be used to shift the spotlight back onto themselves.

It may sound like repentance…But it often still centers around their pain — not their responsibility. And while it’s not necessarily a performance — it can function like one. Because the starring role? Still belongs to them. And this brings us to a really important distinction — one that helps cut through the confusion.

It’s the difference between the cry of: “Why is this happening to me?” and the cry of: “What have I done?” True repentance — the kind that leads to godly sorrow and lasting change — always starts with that second question. It’s marked by humility.

By honest self-reflection. By a willingness to say, “I’ve caused harm, and I want to make it right.” It doesn’t shift the blame. It doesn’t focus on consequences. It focuses on character.

But narcissistic collapse? It often sounds like sorrow — but it’s centered in self-pity. Even if they’re not blaming you, they’re still blaming something. Life has been unfair. People let them down. No one helped. God didn’t come through. And the question driving them isn’t, “How have I devastated others?”
It’s, “How has this devastation impacted me?”

When Narcissists Frame Their Collapse in Biblical Language

And here’s a deeper sign to look for: If they still see themselves as the victim — especially a spiritual victim — they have not truly changed. In fact, some spiritual narcissists will start to frame their collapse in biblical language — but not in a repentant way.

They might say things like, “I’ve been betrayed — just like Jesus was betrayed by Judas.” Or, “People just couldn’t handle the truth I carried — just like the Pharisees couldn’t handle Jesus.”

They don’t just compare themselves to Jesus…They cast themselves as Jesus. And they cast you in the role of the betrayer. That’s not humility. That’s distortion. Because real repentance doesn’t elevate self — it surrenders it. It doesn’t claim martyrdom — it seeks mercy. It doesn’t dramatize pain — it owns responsibility.

"You Will Know Them By Their Fruits"

So what do you do when all of this feels foggy and emotionally overwhelming? You go back to the Word of God. Because Scripture is your compass. Not just your compassion. And one of the clearest passages for this moment is Matthew 7, verses 15 through 20. Jesus says: “Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”

That’s such a vivid image. Someone may appear gentle, broken, even spiritual on the surface. But Jesus tells us — look deeper. Do their patterns consume your time, energy, peace, and resources… while offering nothing in return?

Do they draw you back in — again and again — without ever truly changing? Then Jesus gives us the litmus test: “You will know them by their fruits.”

Not by how emotional they are.
Not by how spiritual they sound.
Not by how sorry they seem.

But by the fruit of their life.

A good tree bears good fruit. A bad tree bears bad fruit. And a tree is known by its fruit. You are not called to judge their soul. But you are called to inspect the fruit. For the sake of your peace. And the stewardship of your heart.

So, what are the **fruits of genuine repentance**? These are the good fruits we should be looking for:

Consistent humility, not just a fleeting show of it.
Taking full and specific responsibility for their actions without excuses or blame-shifting.
Actively making amends where possible, without expecting praise or immediate forgiveness in return. Demonstrating consistent, observable changed behavior over a significant period – not just for a week or two.
Showing genuine empathy for those they have harmed, understanding and acknowledging the pain they caused.
And a willingness to submit to accountability, perhaps to a pastor, a therapist, or a trusted mentor.

And what are the “fruits” of a manipulative collapse, the bad fruits?

Continued blame-shifting, even if it’s subtle.
An insatiable need for pity, but without any corresponding effort to change.
Wildly inconsistent behavior – perhaps moments of kindness followed by the same old manipulations.
An expectation that others will rescue them without them taking personal responsibility.
And a profound lack of empathy for past hurts they’ve inflicted.
Their words may say one thing, but the “fruit” of their actions says something entirely different.

The Danger of Misplaced Compassion

And this brings us to something that doesn’t get talked about enough —the danger of misplaced compassion. Now, the Bible tells us in Galatians 6:2 to bear one another’s burdens — and that is a beautiful part of life in the body of Christ. We are called to carry each other, to come alongside those who are hurting.

But just a few verses later, that same chapter also says: “Each one should carry their own load.” (Galatians 6:5) And both are true. There’s a difference between helping someone through a genuine crisis… and getting entangled in someone else’s ongoing dysfunction. There’s a difference between compassion… and codependency.

God has given you a tender heart. That’s not a weakness. But that tenderness can be exploited — especially by someone who knows how to use suffering as a way to keep control.

You are not called to rescue people from consequences they keep choosing. You are not called to sacrifice your own peace, your calling, or your mental and spiritual health — just to keep someone else from feeling discomfort they created. Compassion is a virtue. But it must be paired with discernment. And that’s where Scripture gives us another key: Test the spirits. (1 John 4:1)

Now that doesn’t just mean asking yourself, “Is this demonic?” — it means: What’s the true spirit, the true motivation, behind this person’s words or actions? Is it the Spirit of Christ? A spirit of humility… truth… love… service… reconciliation? Or is it the spirit of self-preservation? Self-focus? Even victimhood that manipulates rather than repents? Discernment means asking God: “Lord, what am I really dealing with here?” Because just as the enemy can quote Scripture… so can someone who’s still deeply centered in themselves.

Prayerful discernment isn’t harsh. It’s something we are commanded to do. And in moments like this — it’s exactly what’s needed.

If you’re wrestling with whether someone in your life is truly changing — or just collapsing — I want to offer you something that might help. It’s called the Repentance Reality Check, and it’s a short, powerful guide with six key questions to help you discern whether what you’re seeing is real transformation… or just another round of the same painful cycle. You can download it for free by clicking here.

Let me leave you with this: You don’t have to stay stuck in a story that’s damaging your soul. Jesus is with those who turn toward Him. And if that’s your heart today — He’ll meet you, right where you are. You are not alone. Toxicity is not your destiny. And your healing matters to God.

Related Resources

Soul Ties with a Narcissist: How to Break the Unbreakable Bond [Read] [Watch]
Are Narcissists Traumatized or Demonized? The Demonic Forces at Play Inside a Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
Am I Being Abused by a Covert Narcissist? How to Recognize Covert Narcissistic Abuse in Disguise [Read] [Watch]
Can Narcissists Genuinely Repent? What the Bible Says about a Narcissist's Transformation [Read] [Watch]
Can God Heal a Narcissist? [Read] [Watch]
Can A Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Repentance is Real. [Watch]
Hoovering or Genuine Change? 7 Ways to Test it Out After an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
Why You Feel Guilty For Setting Boundaries: 6 Lies the Narcissist Uses to Blame You for Your Needs [Read] [Watch]
5 Types of Boundaries You Need to Set with the Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
Three Keys to Navigate Transition [Watch]

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