Why Narcissists Can't Understand Biblical Love (Even When They Read the Bible)

church covert narcissism effects of abuse i'm in the relationship narcissistic relationships narcissistic religious leaders Nov 19, 2025

Have you ever felt like you're in a relationship where you have to constantly earn your keep? Where love feels... conditional? Like there's a secret scorecard that you're always being graded on, and you're never quite sure if you're passing?

One day you do something "right," and you're rewarded with affection and praise. But the next day, you make a mistake or fail to meet an unspoken expectation, and that affection is withdrawn. You feel like you're on a transactional treadmill, constantly working to keep the peace, to be seen, to be valued.

If that feeling is familiar, you've likely experienced the profound difference between a contract and a covenant.

Today, we're going to uncover why a narcissistic individual is fundamentally incapable of understanding or participating in true, biblical, covenant love. We'll break down the transactional world of contracts they live in, contrast it with the transformational world of biblical covenant, and show you why trying to have a covenant relationship with a person who only understands contracts will leave you spiritually and emotionally exhausted.

By the end of our time together, you will have the clarity to stop trying to earn a love that can't be earned and start resting in the love that has already been freely given to you.

The Narcissist's World: Everything is a Contract

To begin, we need to define our terms. In the world of a narcissist, every single relationship is a contract. It might not be written down, but it's an ironclad agreement in their mind.

A contract is fundamentally transactional. It's based on an "if you... then I..." structure:

If you make me look good in front of my friends, then I will be affectionate
If you meet all my needs without having any of your own, then I will provide for you
If you never challenge me, then I will keep the peace

This is the language of commerce, not connection. It's about performance, and the terms are always subject to change without notice, usually based on the narcissist's feelings and needs in that moment. In a contractual relationship, love is a commodity. It's something to be earned, won, and paid for. It is entirely conditional.

The Invisible Ledger

The narcissist is the master of this kind of transactional relating. They keep a detailed, invisible ledger of debts and payments:

Every nice thing they do for you is an entry on their side of the ledger, a debt that they will expect you to repay, often with interest
Every mistake you make is a mark against you, a justification for them to withhold affection or inflict punishment

This is why so many people in relationships with narcissists feel like they're going crazy. You're trying to build a home, but the other person is running a business. You're offering your heart, and they're calculating the cost.

This constant pressure to perform, this feeling that you're always one wrong move away from losing their "love," is a form of deep emotional and spiritual manipulation.

What is Biblical Love?

So what is biblical love? It's agape love—the unconditional, self-giving love of God. Romans 8:38-39 describes it this way: nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. Not death, not life, not angels, not demons, not the present, not the future, not height, not depth, not anything in all creation. That's covenant love—unbreakable, unchanging, not based on your performance.

And we see it beautifully described in 1 Corinthians 13:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

A Crucial Clarification

Now, I know some of you just heard "keeps no record of wrongs" and felt your stomach drop because someone has used that verse to silence you. So let me be very clear: that phrase does not mean you're required to ignore patterns of abuse or forget that harm happened.

Even God keeps a record—there's a Book of Life, there's judgment, there's accountability. What 1 Corinthians 13 is talking about is not keeping a scorecard for the purpose of revenge or manipulation. It's not saying, "I did this for you, so you owe me." That's contract thinking, not covenant love.

Biblical love includes both grace and truth. Jesus demonstrated this perfectly. He loved the woman caught in adultery and said, "Neither do I condemn you"—but He also said, "Go and sin no more." That's covenant love. It offers grace, but it doesn't enable destruction.

You can love someone and still recognize a pattern of harm. You can love someone and still protect yourself.

Why Narcissists Can't Understand Biblical Love

So why can't a narcissist understand or operate in this kind of love?

Here's the crucial insight: the very attributes of biblical love are confrontational to the nature of the false self that the narcissist created to protect themselves from shame.

Let me unpack this because it's essential to understand. Narcissism is rooted in a deep, often unconscious shame. At some point, usually in childhood, the person who became a narcissist experienced something that made them feel fundamentally defective, unworthy, or unlovable. To survive that unbearable feeling, they constructed a false self—a grandiose, perfect image that must be protected at all costs.

This false self is built on:

Pride
Superiority
Entitlement
The need to be seen as flawless

Now, here's where biblical love becomes a direct threat. Let's go through the attributes of 1 Corinthians 13 and see how each one confronts the false self:

Love is Patient

Patience requires you to tolerate imperfection in others and in yourself. But the narcissist's false self cannot tolerate imperfection—especially their own. To be patient would mean admitting that things don't always go according to their plan, that they don't have total control. That's unbearable.

Love is Kind

Kindness is about considering the needs and feelings of others. But the narcissist's false self is entirely self-focused. To be genuinely kind would require empathy, the ability to step outside of themselves and into someone else's experience. That would mean acknowledging that other people are just as real, just as valuable as they are. That threatens their sense of superiority.

Love Does Not Envy, Does Not Boast, is Not Proud

The false self is built on comparison and competition. The narcissist needs to be better than, more important than, more successful than. To let go of envy and pride would mean letting go of the very foundation of their identity.

Love is Not Self-Seeking

This is perhaps the most confrontational attribute. Biblical love is self-giving, self-sacrificing. It's the love that moved Christ to the cross. But the narcissist's entire operating system is self-serving. To be truly selfless would require them to acknowledge that their needs are not the only needs that matter, that they are not the center of the universe. That would shatter the false self.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

The narcissist keeps meticulous records—of every slight, every perceived betrayal, every time they didn't get what they wanted. Those records are weapons. To let go of that ledger would mean giving up control and the ability to manipulate through guilt and shame.

The Devastating Truth

Do you see what's happening? If a narcissist were to truly embrace biblical love, they would have to:

Acknowledge their own imperfections
Acknowledge their own need for grace
Acknowledge their own dependence on something greater than themselves
Admit that they are not God
Admit that they are not perfect
Admit that they need forgiveness just like everyone else

That would annihilate the false self they've spent their entire life building and protecting. And for a narcissist, that feels like death.

So instead of allowing biblical love to transform them, they do something insidious. They reframe it.

The Reframing: Pharisee Love

Here's how the reframing works. A narcissist will hold up 1 Corinthians 13 as the standard—for you.

Love is patient? You need to be more patient with me
Love is kind? You need to be kinder to me
Love keeps no record of wrongs? You need to stop bringing up the past and holding me accountable

But when it comes to them living out those same standards? There's always an exception, an excuse, a justification.

Instead of maturing in love for others, the narcissist recreates their own definition of biblical love. For them, love becomes about performance. It's about:

Serving in visible ways
Fulfilling spiritual duties
Following rules
Maintaining an image of righteousness

It's Pharisee love.

Think about the Pharisees in the Gospels. They had all these laws, all these rituals, all these external markers of spirituality. They measured their righteousness by how much they accomplished through following their rules, not by how much they loved God or their neighbor. Jesus called them out in Matthew 23:23, saying, "You have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness."

The narcissist operates the same way. They find ways to make the narcissistic traits of their false self—pride, superiority, control—appear virtuous:

They'll say, "I'm just holding people accountable," when they're really being judgmental
They'll say, "I'm a strong leader," when they're really being domineering
They'll say, "I have high standards," when they're really being abusive

The Christ Avoidance: A Revealing Red Flag

Here's a red flag that's incredibly revealing: if someone who claims to be a Christian uses a lot of teachings from the Old Testament but hardly refers to the nature and example of Jesus Christ, you have a problem.

Jesus came to fulfill all the Scripture. He is the epitome of what all Scripture points to. He is the Word made flesh, the perfect revelation of God's love. But someone who avoids the Person of Christ and would rather just go back to Old Testament stories—especially stories of God's punishment and wrath for wrongdoing—reveals that they are not comfortable with the biblical meaning of love embodied in the Person of Christ.

Why They Avoid Jesus

Because Jesus is the ultimate picture of covenant love. He is:

Humble
Servant-hearted
Self-sacrificing
He washes feet
He touches lepers
He forgives adulteresses
He weeps over Jerusalem
He lays down His life for His friends

That kind of love is terrifying to a narcissist because it demands the very thing they cannot give: a death to self.

So they gravitate toward the parts of Scripture that allow them to maintain their false self. They prefer:

The God of judgment over the God of mercy
The God of wrath over the God of grace
Images that allow them to stay in control, to stay superior, to avoid the vulnerability that covenant love requires

It's Not Your Fault

It is not your fault that the narcissist in your life cannot love you with the unconditional love of a covenant. You cannot pour your heart out enough, be perfect enough, or sacrifice enough to change their fundamental operating system. You cannot force someone to have a heart for covenant when they're desperately protecting a false self.

But here is the most important truth I want you to leave with today: While you may have been starved of covenant love in an earthly relationship, covenant love is available to you.

The Ultimate Covenant

If you're already walking with Christ, I want to remind you that you are already in the most secure covenant relationship that exists. God's love for you is:

Not based on your performance in that toxic relationship
Not diminished because you couldn't fix the narcissist
Not withdrawn because you had to set boundaries or walk away

His covenant with you stands firm, and you can rest in that today.

And if you've never entered into a covenant relationship with God through Jesus Christ, I want to share this good news with you. Here's the beautiful truth: we've all fallen short. Romans 3:23 says, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Every one of us has broken God's perfect standard. And the consequence of that sin is separation from God—spiritual death.

But God, in His incredible love, didn't leave us in that separation. He made a way. He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to pay the price we couldn't pay. Jesus lived the perfect life we couldn't live, and then He died the death we deserved. He took our sin upon Himself on the cross. And three days later, He rose from the dead, proving that He had conquered sin and death.

This is the ultimate covenant. God says, "I will take the penalty. I will pay the price. I will bridge the gap." And all He asks is that you believe in Him and receive His gift of grace. Romans 10:9 says, "If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."

This is not a contract. You don't have to earn it. You can't earn it. It's a covenant—a promise from God that if you put your faith in Jesus Christ, you are forgiven, you are made new, and you are brought into an unbreakable relationship with Him. No scorecard. No performance metric. Just grace.

If you've never made that decision, you can do it right now. You can simply pray:

"God, I know I'm a sinner. I know I can't save myself. I believe that Jesus died for my sins and rose from the dead. I'm putting my faith in Him. I'm accepting Your covenant love. Thank You for forgiving me and making me new."

If you prayed that prayer, welcome to the family. You've just entered into the greatest covenant relationship that exists.

Your Freedom Begins Here

Understanding the difference between a contract and a covenant is the key to your freedom. It gives you permission to stop trying to earn love from someone who only knows how to rent it out. It allows you to grieve the relationship you wished you had, and to finally, fully, rest in the security of covenant love.

And I want you to remember this: toxicity is not your destiny. You are not stuck. You are not without hope. There is a path forward, and it begins with recognizing the difference between the transactional love you've been given and the covenant love you deserve.

Your worth was never up for negotiation.

Click here to watch the video version of this blog.

Related Resources

The Narcissist and the Holy Spirit: Why Spiritual Transformation is so Rare [Read] [Watch]
What Jesus ACTUALLY Did When Confronted by Narcissists [Read] [Watch]
False Guilt: When the Enemy Uses Shame to Control You [Read] [Watch]
How Narcissistic Abuse Undermines Your Spiritual Discernment [Read] [Watch]
Why God Didn't Change Your Narcissist (and What He's Really Doing) [Read] [Watch]
The Truth about Spiritual Attack in Toxic Relationships [Read] [Watch]
Can A Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Repentance is Real. [Watch]

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