The Narcissist's 5-Phase Triangulation Playbook (And How to Stop It)

Feb 11, 2026

Have you ever had someone suddenly go cold on you? One day they're your friend, your confidant—and the next, you're being avoided, side-eyed, or outright blamed for something you didn't do.

You're left wondering: What happened? What did I miss?

It feels like a betrayal. And it is.

But it's not random. And it's not just miscommunication.

It's a playbook.

In this article, a continuation of Triangulation: The Demonic Tactic Manipulators Use to Destroy Your Relationships, we're going to walk through the 5-phase tactical playbook manipulators use to systematically turn people against you. You'll learn exactly how they gather intelligence, engineer betrayal, and create chaos—so you can recognize the signs early and protect yourself.

What is the Goal of Triangulation?

First, let's revisit the core definition:

Triangulation is a system of control where someone manages relationships and information so they never have to engage in direct accountability.

It's a 5-phase process. And I want you to learn these phases so you can recognize them instantly.

Phase 1: The Intelligence Gathering Phase

Before a manipulator can triangulate, they need data. And they are master collectors.

They come across as your biggest supporter. They offer empathy. They remember every detail you share. But this isn't just friendship. They are intentionally creating an environment of false closeness to get you to over-share. You feel safe, but you're actually being assessed.

You have to understand this critical distinction:

They're not listening to connect. They're listening to collect.

What they're collecting:

Your insecurities – What makes you feel small, unseen, or ashamed?
Your grievances – Who frustrates you? What annoys you?
Your secrets – What have you said in private, thinking it was safe?

The power dynamic is completely one-sided: You've revealed everything. They've revealed nothing.

They become the trusted vault everyone confides in. For example, a woman named April was going through a rough patch in her marriage and opened up to her sister-in-law, who seemed so supportive. But later, she found out her sister-in-law had shared those details with her husband's entire family—twisting her words and questioning her character. That's when she realized: her sister-in-law wasn't a confidant. She was an informant.

You thought you had a safe space. But they were stockpiling your vulnerability as ammunition.

Phase 2: The Exploitation Phase

Once they have the intelligence, they move to exploitation. This is where they identify what I call a "grievance wound"—a small, existing point of friction between two people (the Target and the potential Ally).

Maybe you (the Target) are a little messy, and your roommate (the Ally) is a neat freak. The manipulator sees this wound and pokes it.

They'll go to the Ally and say, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe how messy they are. It must be so hard for you to live like this. You're so patient."

Notice what they're doing: they validate the Ally's frustration, create an "us vs. them" bond, and make the Ally feel completely understood. And that's when the Ally opens up and starts to vent, giving the manipulator even more ammunition.

The Ally doesn't realize they're being recruited. They think they're being understood.

Phase 3: The Strategic Disclosure Phase

And this is where the betrayal begins.

The manipulator takes everything the Ally just said and goes directly to the Target. They take something you shared in confidence and repeat it as an accusation, and the full story never gets told.

They cherry-pick the worst parts, add their own negative interpretation, and position themselves as the reluctant, heroic messenger.

"I hate to be the one to tell you this, but as your friend, I thought you should know what people are saying about you behind your back."

Scripture says the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy—and this phase does all three. It steals your peace, kills your trust, and destroys the relationship. You feel blindsided, humiliated, and suddenly unsure of everything you thought you knew.

Phase 4: The Chaos Phase

Now, the chaos erupts. The Target feels betrayed. The Ally feels exposed. And the manipulator sits in the middle, playing innocent.

Everyone is suspicious of each other. No one knows who to trust. I've seen this pattern destroy relationships. In one case, a woman was furious at her friend for 'betraying' her—only to find out later the manipulator had twisted both sides of the story. It cost them a 15-year friendship.

The manipulator now controls the flow of information between the Target and the Ally, who are no longer speaking to each other directly. They have successfully created chaos and positioned themselves as the center of the universe.

Phase 5: The Maintenance Phase

Triangulation isn't a one-time event; it's a system that must be maintained. The manipulator will now work to keep the triangle going by feeding misinformation to both sides, escalating tensions, and blocking direct communication.

I've seen this pattern play out in families where two people didn't speak for over a decade—all because one family member kept feeding them different versions of the same story.

The ultimate goal here is control without accountability.

Why This Playbook Works So Well

So why does this devastating strategy work so well, and why do smart people fall for it?

It Exploits Human Needs: Manipulators don't create new wounds—they exploit normal human needs for connection and validation. When the manipulator validates our frustrations, we feel seen. We don't realize we're being set up.
It Creates Confusion: God is not a God of confusion, but of peace. So when confusion reigns, we know who's behind it.
It Isolates the Target: Once the triangle is in place, the Target feels like they can't trust anyone. They pull away from relationships, which is exactly what the manipulator wants.
It Provides a Built-In Excuse: If they're ever confronted, they can say, "I was just trying to help." They build an escape hatch into the very structure of the betrayal.

How to Recognize Which Phase You're In

So, how do you know where you are in this playbook?

⚠️ Phase 1 or 2: You're venting and being encouraged to vent more.
💔 Phase 3: You're hearing hurtful things second-hand.
🌪️ Phase 4: You're arguing through a third person.
⛓️ Phase 5: The same person is always "in the middle."

A Word of Warning: The Extinction Burst

When you start to recognize this playbook and refuse to participate, the manipulator will often escalate. They may accuse you of being divisive, unsupportive, or unforgiving. This is called an extinction burst. It's the desperate flailing of a manipulator who feels their control slipping.

When you see this, don't be discouraged. It's confirmation that you are breaking the system. An extinction burst doesn't mean you confront recklessly—it means you prepare wisely.

Now that you know the playbook, you need God's battle plan. In the next article in this series, we're going to walk through God's complete battle plan to dismantle triangulation. We'll cover the 7 spiritual and practical tools to shut this down, restore clarity, and rebuild trust. Don't miss it!

Remember, you don't have to be a pawn in their game. Because toxicity is NOT your destiny.

Click here to watch the video version of this article.

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