The Real Reason God Allows Narcissists in Your Life

Have you ever been up late at night, eyes swollen from crying, asking God that gut-wrenching question: “Why me? Why, Lord? Why did You allow this person into my life?”

Why would You let someone who said they loved me cause so much destruction?

Someone who twisted Your own words to control me?

Someone who left me doubting not just my worth, but my sanity... even my faith?

If you're nodding—you are not alone.  In this post, we’re going to tackle: Why would a loving, all-powerful God allow a narcissist in your life?
And more importantly—what do we do with the pain when it feels like it was allowed on purpose?

Before we can even begin to make sense of why God might allow a narcissist into our lives, we’ve got to be clear on what—or who—we’re actually dealing with. And I’m not just talking psychology here. I’m talking spiritually.

Understanding Narcissism Through a Biblical Lens

Because narcissism isn’t just a clinical label in a psychology textbook. From a biblical perspective, it’s one of the deepest forms of rebellion against the way God designed us to live. In Genesis, we were made in the image of God—to reflect Him. To love, to give, to create, to serve, to steward. But narcissism inverts all of that.

Rather than reflecting God outward to others, they've created a distorted mirror that reflects everything back to themselves. Imagine a beautiful stained glass window in a cathedral. That window was designed to tell a story—to let light pour through and cast beauty into the room. But the narcissist has turned that window around to create a mirror instead. Now, instead of the light of God shining through and blessing others, everything—Scripture, community, worship—it all gets twisted to reflect back on them.

This is why 2 Timothy 3:2-5 describes them with such alarming precision:

"People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people."

Did you catch that last part? “Having a form of godliness but denying its power.”

That’s the part we have to sit with. Because many narcissists—especially the ones in faith communities—don’t come across as obvious abusers. They come across as anointed. They quote Scripture fluently. They pray eloquently. They serve, they lead, they even preach.

But underneath it all… something is off. What’s really happening is this: They’ve swapped out true worship of God for worship of self.

But they’ve kept the costume. They’re using spiritual language, religious activities, and biblical knowledge—not to glorify God, but to feed their ego and tighten their grip on others. And here’s the uncomfortable, unfiltered truth we have to face: There is a demonic dimension to narcissism at its extreme.

I don’t say that to be dramatic. I say it because Scripture backs it. Satan’s original rebellion was, “I will make myself like the Most High.” (Isaiah 14:14) Sound familiar? That’s not just pride. That’s self-exaltation as a spiritual war strategy.

So when we see pathological self-focus… entitlement… exploitation… and a stubborn resistance to truth—what we’re actually witnessing is a character that mirrors the enemy’s nature. Which leads us to the heart of this message:

Why Would God Let This Happen?

If narcissism is this spiritually corrosive—if it stands in such stark opposition to God’s design—then why… why would a loving God allow people like this into the lives of those who genuinely love and follow Him?

First, we’ve got to remember something foundational: we live in a fallen world—one where God, in His love, gave humans real free will. That means people get to choose what they do with the gifts He gave them… even if those choices are destructive.

The narcissist in your life? They didn’t just wake up one day and become that way. They made choice after choice—over and over again—to ignore conviction, to reject empathy, to manipulate, to exploit. God didn’t make them a narcissist.
They became that way through a mix of personal decisions, maybe some deep childhood wounds, and a slow hardening of heart against the voice of the Holy Spirit.

And this is where the enemy comes in. Satan can’t create anything—but he’s a master at corrupting. He takes what God designed—gifts like charisma, intelligence, even spiritual insight—and he twists them into weapons.

The Enemy’s Strategy vs. God’s Sovereignty

Picture this: a master gardener plants a beautiful garden, full of life and color.
But while the gardener sleeps, an enemy sneaks in and infects some of the plants—introduces parasites, distorts their growth. Now, the gardener doesn’t destroy the whole garden because of those corrupted plants. Why? Because He sees the bigger picture. He’s working with a larger plan.

In the same way, God doesn’t wipe out every harmful person. He’s working within the reality of free will—but toward something redemptive that, honestly, we can’t always see from where we’re standing. And sometimes... the very thing the enemy meant to destroy you—God will use to refine you, heal you, and prepare you for something greater.

Now let’s talk about how God actually works within these painful, confusing situations—because He does. One of the most powerful examples we see in Scripture is the story of Joseph.

You remember it—his own brothers, fueled by jealousy and hatred, sold him into slavery.  Let’s be real—that was straight-up evil. It wasn’t God’s will that they betray him like that. That came from their brokenness, not from God’s hand.

But years later, when Joseph is standing face-to-face with the very brothers who tried to destroy him, he says something profound:

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good—to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20)

Did you catch that? Same event—two intentions. Human evil and divine redemption happening in the same moment. I call this The Joseph Principle. It’s the way God operates on a higher level—redeeming what people meant for harm without ever being the author of the evil itself.

And when you were in that narcissistic relationship, that same tension was at play. The narcissist—let’s call it what it is—was influenced by the enemy. Their goal was to control you, diminish you, and extract what they could from you without a thought for your well-being.

But God? God had a completely different agenda. He was using that fire to strengthen you. To wake up your discernment. To expose those unhealthy patterns and break them for good. And to lead you into greater freedom and deeper purpose. Now—does that mean God orchestrated the abuse? No. Does it mean He couldn’t have delivered you sooner? Not at all. It means that even in the midst of evil, God was already writing a redemptive story. One the enemy never saw coming.

Refined by Fire: How God Uses the Furnace of Affliction

Now we come to one of the hardest—but most transformative—truths of all: Sometimes… God allows deeply painful experiences because they create a kind of crucible—a refining fire—that produces spiritual transformation we simply wouldn’t get any other way. Think about how gold is refined. You can’t purify gold at room temperature. It has to be exposed to intense heat—heat that would destroy most other materials—so the dross can rise to the surface and be separated from what’s pure.

There’s no soft, cozy process that does the same thing. And in the same way, there are certain breakthroughs—deep, life-altering shifts—that only happen in the fire of suffering.

Let me paint a picture for you: Imagine a woman named Sarah. She grew up in a home where love and approval were tied to performance. Be good, be perfect, make everyone happy—then you’re worthy. So without realizing it, she internalizes this belief that God works the same way—that she has to earn His love. Years later, she marries a man who seems perfect. Charismatic. Charming. Puts her on a pedestal. But over time, the mask drops. He’s controlling. Manipulative. The rules keep changing. She’s always falling short. And her identity? Slowly erodes under the weight of his criticism. Eventually, Sarah breaks free. But now she’s left with a painful question: Why did I stay? Why did I try so hard to earn love that was never going to be given?

And it’s in that place of raw honesty that something beautiful starts to happen. She begins to see the real root of the issue: It wasn’t just about her marriage—it was about her relationship with God. She had been trying to perform for His love, too. And the narcissistic relationship exposed that lie. It broke a pattern she didn’t even know was there. And for the first time, she experiences the freedom of God’s unconditional love—not the kind you earn, but the kind that meets you in your brokenness and says, You are mine.

Now, hear me clearly: That doesn’t mean God wanted the abuse.

But it does mean He took what the enemy meant to destroy her—and used it to set her free in a way comfort never could have. That is the redemptive power of God.

You’re in a Spiritual War, Not Just a Toxic Relationship

Now let’s talk about something that gets skipped over in most conversations about narcissistic abuse—spiritual warfare. Ephesians 6:12 makes it plain: “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, authorities, and powers of this dark world—and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you've felt this.
You weren’t just in a toxic relationship—you were in the middle of a spiritual battlefield.

Yes, that person hurt you. Yes, their choices caused real damage.
But they weren’t the ultimate enemy. They were often operating under the influence of the real enemy—the one who’s been twisting truth and destroying identity since the garden. Now, that doesn’t excuse their behavior. It doesn’t mean they don’t need consequences or accountability. But it does help you see the bigger picture: the enemy has a strategy. And narcissistic relationships reveal that strategy with shocking clarity:

1. Isolation – They cut you off from friends, family, even your church community. That’s not random. The enemy wants to separate you from the body of Christ, because isolation weakens you.
2. Identity Erosion – They chip away at who you are until you’re questioning your own worth. That’s no accident. The enemy hates your identity as God’s beloved.
3. Truth Distortion – Gaslighting, manipulation, confusion—it all echoes what Jesus said about Satan: He’s the father of lies.
4. Shame Induction – They make you feel like everything is your fault. But shame is one of the enemy’s oldest weapons to keep you stuck and silent.

Building Immunity: God's Strategy Against Deception

Now, here’s the part that might reframe everything for you: God doesn’t allow this kind of suffering because He wants you to be destroyed by it. He allows it so you can become immune to the enemy’s schemes. Think about ancient kings who used to take small doses of poison—not enough to kill them, but enough to build immunity.

Eventually, what would have killed others couldn’t touch them.
In the same way, God can take even these toxic experiences and use them to sharpen your discernment, your spiritual senses, your awareness.

That’s why so many survivors—once they’ve healed—walk in extraordinary discernment. They can smell a lie from a mile away. They recognize manipulation when it’s still wearing a smile. What almost took them out becomes the very thing that equips them to walk in spiritual power and wisdom.

But I want to acknowledge something that often gets overlooked.

When you’re going through narcissistic abuse, there’s this crushing silence—this sense that God is absent. You pray. You cry out. And it feels like heaven is quiet. That silence? It’s what theologians call divine hiddenness. And it’s real. It hurts. It’s the cry of Psalm 22: “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?”— The same words Jesus spoke on the cross. That feeling of abandonment doesn’t mean God left you. It means Jesus joined you. He stepped into that very same darkness. He experienced betrayal, abuse, injustice—and silence. And His resurrection is the proof that abandonment is never the end of the story.

So if you're in that place right now—if you feel like God’s gone quiet—just know:
He’s closer than you think. And your resurrection moment is coming.

The Divine Paradox of Suffering

As we wrap up, I want to leave you with something I call the Divine Paradox of Suffering. It’s this: The same God who hates what was done to you—is the very God who can redeem it completely. The same God who weeps over your pain— can transform that pain into purpose. The same God who stands against oppression— can use even oppression to raise up warriors. This paradox doesn’t erase the pain. It doesn’t tie everything up in a neat little bow. There will still be nights when the tears come. Still moments when you wonder, Why? But this truth gives us something sturdy to hold onto—a framework for holding both the reality of our suffering and the certainty of God's goodness in the same heart.

Remember Israel’s journey through the wilderness? It wasn’t just punishment—it was preparation.  They learned how to rely on God. They learned how to fight. They learned how to walk together in community. And in the same way, your wilderness season—yes, even with a narcissist—has been a training ground. You’re not coming out weaker. You’re coming out stronger—with discernment, wisdom, and spiritual authority you wouldn’t have had any other way. And while you wait for your promised land—your healing, your restoration—don’t forget: Scripture promises justice. Not just temporary justice. Eternal justice.

God will hold narcissists accountable. There’s a courtroom higher than any we have on earth. And it’s not slow. It’s just eternal. And that means it’s sure. So don’t lose heart. The narcissist in your life may have been hell-bent on your destruction. And yes—the enemy absolutely meant it for evil. But guess what? They don’t get the final word. Romans 8:28 still stands: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.”

Not some things. All things. Even the betrayal. Even the abuse. Even the parts you thought were too broken to ever be whole again. God’s not finished with your story. The narcissist was a chapter—not the conclusion. The Author of your faith is still writing—not just to heal you, but to bring you out of the furnace not even smelling like smoke. Remember: Toxicity is not your destiny. But freedom in Christ is.

Click here to watch the video version of this blog.

Related Resources

•  Why God Allows Toxic Relationships: 5 Ways He Uses Them for Your Good [Read] [Watch]
• Why Narcissists Seem to Get Away with EVERYTHING (And What God Wants You to Know) - YouTube [Read] [Watch]
•  10 Ways Narcissistic Abuse Grows You [Watch]
• Why You Feel Guilty For Setting Boundaries: 6 Lies the Narcissist Uses to Blame You for Your Needs [Read] [Watch]
• 5 Types of Boundaries You Need to Set with the Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
• Should you Forgive an Abuser 70 X 7 Times?  How an Abuser Exploits & Weaponizes What the Bible Teaches about Forgiveness [Watch]
• Tempted to Get Revenge on the Narcissist? How God Deals with Someone Who Caused You So Much Pain [Watch]
• Can you Reconcile with a Narcissist?  What does the Bible Say about it? [Watch]
• Can A Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Repentance is Real. [Watch]
• Hoovering or Genuine Change? 7 Ways to Test it Out After an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
• Three Keys to Navigate Transition [Watch]

Find more resources in our topic-based catalog

Downloadable Resources 

• 7-Day Email Series:  Journey to Freedom From the Pain of Injustice  
• 100 Biblical Declarations to Strengthen Your Identity in Christ
• Checklist: Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments
• Checklist: 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• Guide: How to Pray for a Narcissist
• Prayer: Healing from Gaslighting
• E-book: 7 Steps to Spot a Narcissist