Have you ever gathered the courage to share your experience of narcissistic abuse with a counselor or spiritual leader, hoping for understanding and guidance—only to walk away feeling more confused, more guilty, and somehow responsible for your own mistreatment?

You're not alone.

What if I told you that some approaches to Christian counseling can actually deepen trauma rather than heal it, especially when it comes to narcissistic abuse?

Today, I'm going to reveal why certain types of religious counseling can make abuse situations worse, how to recognize harmful guidance disguised as spiritual wisdom, and most importantly, what true biblical help for abuse actually looks like.

The Problem with Well-Meaning but Misguided Counsel

Let me start by acknowledging that many spiritual leaders and counselors genuinely want to help people. They're not intentionally causing harm. However, when it comes to narcissistic abuse, good intentions aren't enough. Without specific understanding of both narcissistic dynamics and proper biblical interpretation, even well-meaning guidance can lead to devastating consequences.

I've heard countless stories from people who sought help from religious counselors only to be told things like:

• "Forgiving means choosing to forget what they did to you otherwise you're holding on to bitterness"
• "Remember that you're a sinner too and we all sin"
• "Just pray for them and let God deal with them. It's not your job."

These responses might sound spiritual on the surface, but they fundamentally misunderstand both the nature of narcissistic abuse and what the Bible actually teaches about relationships, boundaries, and justice.

Five Ways Religious Counseling Can Make Abuse Worse

Let's look at five specific ways that misguided religious counseling can actually deepen the trauma of narcissistic abuse:

1. Misapplying Biblical Submission

The first problem is misapplying the concept of biblical submission. Some counselors take verses like Ephesians 5:22 ("Wives, submit to your husbands") completely out of context, turning them into weapons that keep victims trapped in abuse.

What these counselors miss is the verse that comes right before it—Ephesians 5:21, which calls for "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." They also ignore that the same passage commands husbands to "love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Christ's love is self-sacrificing, protective, and honoring—not controlling, demeaning, or abusive. When a counselor tells an abuse victim to "submit more," they're not only misinterpreting the Bible but potentially endangering someone's physical and mental health.

True biblical help recognizes that submission in the Bible is mutual, voluntary, and exists within the context of love and respect—not fear and control. It never means submitting to abuse or mistreatment.

2. Oversimplifying Forgiveness

The second problem is oversimplifying forgiveness. Many abuse victims have been told they must "forgive and forget," "reconcile at all costs," or that "true forgiveness means restoring the relationship as if nothing happened."

This misunderstands what biblical forgiveness actually is. The Bible does call us to forgive, but forgiveness in the Bible doesn't mean:

• Denying that wrong was done
• Removing all consequences for harmful actions
• Automatically restoring trust
• Continuing in unsafe relationships

Jesus taught about forgiveness extensively, but He also taught about repentance. In Luke 17:3-4, He says, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive him."

Notice the pattern: sin, rebuke, repentance, then forgiveness. While we can forgive someone in our hearts regardless of their repentance (releasing the right to vengeance and bitterness), reconciliation requires genuine repentance—something narcissists rarely demonstrate.

True biblical help distinguishes between forgiveness (releasing bitterness) and reconciliation (restoring relationship), recognizing that the latter requires genuine change, not just empty words.

3. Misusing the Concept of Suffering

The third problem is misusing the concept of suffering. Some counselors tell abuse victims that their suffering is "God's will" or that they should "rejoice in their trials" based on verses like James 1:2-4 or 1 Peter 3:14-17.

This is a profound misapplication of these passages. The Bible does speak about suffering for doing good or for the sake of the gospel, but it never glorifies suffering abuse at the hands of those who should love and protect you.

Jesus himself avoided unnecessary suffering at times. He slipped away from crowds trying to stone Him (John 8:59) and instructed His disciples to shake the dust off their feet and leave towns that rejected them (Matthew 10:14). The apostle Paul used his Roman citizenship to avoid being flogged (Acts 22:25-29).

The Bible distinguishes between suffering for righteousness and suffering needlessly. When counselors tell victims to endure abuse as their "cross to bear," they're not offering biblical wisdom but a distortion that keeps people trapped in harmful situations.

True biblical help recognizes that while suffering is part of life, God doesn't call us to remain in abusive relationships when escape is possible. Sometimes the most godly thing you can do is walk away from those who consistently harm you.

4. Creating False Equivalence

The fourth problem is creating false equivalence between the abuser and the abused. Many victims have heard statements like:

• "Well, you're not perfect either."
• "It takes two to tango."
• "You need to focus on your own sins."
• "You're both equally responsible for the problems."

This kind of thinking ignores the fundamental power imbalance and intentionality in narcissistic abuse. While no one is perfect, there's a vast difference between ordinary human imperfection and systematic patterns of control, manipulation, and abuse.

The Bible Recognizes Different Levels of Sin

The Bible doesn't flatten all sin into one category. Jesus said some sins are greater than others:

"You would have no authority over me at all unless it had been given you from above. Therefore he who delivered me over to you has the greater sin." (John 19:11)

Some actions are called "abominations": "You will see still greater abominations than these." (Ezekiel 8:13, 15)

And others bring stricter judgment: "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness." (James 3:1)

The Bible clearly differentiates between human weakness and deliberate, destructive sin—especially when someone uses their power to manipulate, control, and harm others.

Equating normal relational tension with narcissistic abuse not only misapplies Scripture—it enables evil. It keeps the abused confused, often in bondage. True biblical counsel doesn't erase distinctions. It discerns them.

Jesus also addressed this kind of false equivalence in Matthew 7:3–5 when He spoke about removing the log from your own eye before addressing the speck in someone else's. But notice—He didn't pretend the log and speck were the same size.

When counselors blur the lines, they end up participating in the gaslighting that's already happening—a form of psychological manipulation that makes the victim doubt their own perception, memory, or sanity—making victims question their reality and blame themselves for their mistreatment.

True biblical help recognizes the difference between mutual conflict (where both parties contribute relatively equally) and abuse (where there's a clear pattern of power and control by one person over another).

5. Spiritualizing Away Practical Steps

The fifth problem is spiritualizing away practical steps. Some religious counselors offer only spiritual solutions—like prayer and Bible reading—while dismissing practical steps like:

• Setting boundaries
• Creating safety plans
• Seeking legal protection when necessary
• Getting professional trauma therapy
• Building financial independence

This approach creates a false dichotomy between spiritual and practical solutions. But throughout the Bible, we see faith and practical wisdom working together. In Nehemiah, they prayed AND posted a guard (Nehemiah 4:9). In Acts, the early church both prayed AND organized systems to care for widows (Acts 6:1-7).

When counselors suggest that "just praying more" will solve abuse situations, they're ignoring the practical wisdom that the Bible itself models. This can leave victims feeling that taking practical steps to protect themselves somehow demonstrates a lack of faith.

True biblical help integrates spiritual practices with practical wisdom, recognizing that God works through both prayer AND action.

Recognizing Harmful Religious Counseling

Now that we understand how religious counseling can sometimes make abuse worse, let's talk about how to recognize potentially harmful guidance. Here are five warning signs that the religious counseling you're receiving might be doing more harm than good:

1. They Rush to Reconciliation

First, be cautious if a counselor pushes for quick reconciliation without addressing the underlying abuse patterns. Reconciliation becomes their primary goal rather than safety, healing, or genuine change.

They might say things like:

• "Let's get you two back together as quickly as possible."
• "The goal is to save the relationship at all costs."
• "Separation should only be a last resort and very temporary."

True biblical help recognizes that reconciliation requires genuine repentance and changed behavior over time, not just apologies or promises. As Proverbs 14:15 says, "The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps."

2. They Minimize Abuse

Second, be wary if a counselor minimizes or normalizes abusive behavior, saying things like:

• "All marriages have problems."
• "He was probably just having a bad day."
• "That doesn't sound that serious to me."
• "Are you sure you're not exaggerating?"

This minimization often happens because the counselor lacks understanding of narcissistic abuse patterns or because they're uncomfortable facing the reality of what's happening.

True biblical help takes abuse seriously, recognizing that God himself is described as a defender of the oppressed throughout the Bible. Psalm 10:17-18 tells us, "O LORD, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more."

3. They Use Scripture as a Weapon

Third, be cautious if a counselor uses the Bible selectively to pressure you into compliance rather than to bring genuine healing and wisdom.

They might:

• Quote verses out of context
• Ignore passages about justice and protection
• Use the Bible to shut down questions or concerns
• Apply different standards to different people (stricter for victims, more lenient for abusers)

True biblical help uses the Bible as a source of comfort, wisdom, and truth—not as a tool to manipulate or control. The Bible itself warns in 2 Peter 3:16 about those who distort the Scriptures "to their own destruction."

4. They Blame the Victim

Fourth, be concerned if a counselor suggests that you're responsible for the abuse you're experiencing, saying things like:

• "What did you do to provoke him?"
• "If you were more submissive/respectful/loving, this wouldn't happen."
• "God is allowing this because there's something He wants you to learn."
• "This is happening because of your lack of faith/sin/spiritual weakness."

This victim-blaming contradicts how Jesus himself responded to the vulnerable and wounded. He never blamed people for their own oppression but instead offered compassion, healing, and sometimes righteous anger toward their oppressors.

True biblical help places responsibility where it belongs—on the person choosing to engage in abusive behavior—while offering compassion and practical support to those being harmed.

5. They Isolate You from Other Resources

Finally, be wary if a counselor discourages you from seeking additional help, saying things like:

• "Secular counseling will just lead you away from God."
• "You don't need a therapist if you have Jesus."
• "Those abuse support groups will just make you bitter."
• "Everything you need is in the Bible; other resources aren't necessary."

This isolation tactic, whether intentional or not, cuts you off from valuable support and perspectives that could help you see your situation more clearly.

True biblical help recognizes that God works through many channels—including trained mental health professionals, support groups, and educational resources. Proverbs 15:22 reminds us that "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed."

It's Not Your Fault

If you've experienced harmful religious counseling that's made your situation worse, I want you to know that this wasn't your fault. You were seeking help in a place that should have been safe, and you deserved better guidance than what you received.

What True Biblical Help Looks Like

Now that we've identified how religious counseling can sometimes go wrong, let's talk about what genuine biblical help for abuse situations actually looks like. Here are five characteristics of truly biblical counseling for narcissistic abuse:

1. It Prioritizes Safety

True biblical help puts your physical, emotional, and spiritual safety first. It recognizes that you can't heal or grow in an environment where you're constantly under threat or attack.

2. It Offers Balanced Biblical Teaching

Genuine biblical counseling doesn't cherry-pick verses to support predetermined conclusions. It considers the full counsel of Scripture, including passages about justice, protection, wisdom, and God's heart for the oppressed.

3. It Integrates Multiple Forms of Support

True biblical help doesn't create false divisions between spiritual and practical solutions. It recognizes that God works through prayer, Scripture, professional therapy, support groups, legal protection, and practical planning.

4. It Empowers Rather Than Controls

Healthy biblical counseling helps you develop your own discernment and decision-making abilities rather than telling you exactly what to do. It respects your agency and your direct relationship with God.

5. It Offers Hope Without Minimizing Reality

True biblical help acknowledges the real pain and damage of abuse while also pointing toward genuine healing and restoration. It doesn't offer false hope based on denial, but real hope based on God's power to heal and transform.

Finding Truly Helpful Biblical Support

If you've experienced harmful religious counseling in the past, you might be hesitant to seek counseling again. That's a completely understandable response. But if you do want support that honors both your faith and your need for safety and healing, here are some suggestions for finding it:

1. Look for Specialized Training

Seek counselors or support groups that have specific training in both trauma/abuse AND faith integration. General biblical knowledge isn't sufficient for addressing the complexities of narcissistic abuse.

Ask potential counselors:

• "What specific training do you have in narcissistic abuse?"
• "How do you approach situations where someone's safety is at risk?"
• "What's your perspective on separation or divorce in abuse situations?"

Their answers will tell you a lot about whether they can provide truly helpful guidance.

2. Observe Their Fruits

Jesus taught us in Matthew 7:16 that "You will recognize them by their fruits." When considering a counselor or support group, look at the results of their guidance in others' lives.

3. Trust Your Discernment

God has given you the capacity for discernment. If something feels wrong about the counsel you're receiving—even if you can't immediately articulate why—pay attention to that feeling.

4. Seek Multiple Perspectives

As we discussed earlier, Proverbs 15:22 tells us that "with many advisers, plans succeed." When dealing with something as complex as narcissistic abuse, it's wise to gather perspectives from multiple sources.

5. Remember God's Heart

Finally, as you seek help, remember God's heart toward those experiencing abuse and oppression. Throughout the Bible, God consistently:

• Defends the vulnerable
• Opposes the proud and abusive
• Values truth and justice
• Offers genuine healing and restoration

Any counsel that portrays God as endorsing your mistreatment or requiring you to endure abuse is misrepresenting His character and heart.

 Click here to watch the video version of this blog.

You Don't Have to Navigate This Alone

If what I've shared today resonates with you and you're ready to move beyond just surviving to actually thriving, I want you to know that you don't have to navigate this healing journey alone.

The path to healing from narcissistic abuse, especially when it's been complicated by harmful religious counseling, can feel overwhelming. But God desires your healing and freedom, and He's provided paths to both, even when some religious voices have obscured the way.

The Truth That Sets You Free

Remember, toxicity is NOT your destiny. The Bible promises in John 8:32 that "you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." This includes the truth about:

• What healthy relationships actually look like
• What the Bible really says about abuse and boundaries
• God's heart toward those who are suffering
• Your worth and value as His beloved child

You deserve help that honors both your faith and your need for safety and healing. You deserve support that empowers rather than controls, that offers hope without minimizing reality, and that helps you discover God's true heart toward you.

Ready to Reclaim Your God-Given Identity?

Speaking of finding true biblical help, if you've experienced the kind of harmful religious counseling we've discussed today, you might be wondering: "Where do I go from here? How do I heal from both the original abuse AND the additional trauma from misguided spiritual guidance?"

I understand that pain intimately. After years of swimming in narcissistic waters myself, in workplace scenarios, friendships, and even in church settings, I know how isolating and confusing it can be when the very people who should offer healing instead deepen your wounds.

That's exactly why I created my 12-week "Recover Your Identity" group coaching program—to provide the kind of biblically grounded support that actually understands what you've been through.  Click here to apply.

This Program Is for You If:

• You're preparing to leave, or have already left a narcissistic relationship
• You've reduced your interactions with the narcissist to low contact or no contact
• You want to heal and reclaim your identity after ending a narcissistic relationship
• You've experienced harmful religious counseling and need to rebuild your understanding of God's true heart toward you

What Makes This Different from Harmful Counseling?

Unlike the problematic approaches we've discussed, this program:

✅ Prioritizes Your Safety and Healing - We never rush you toward reconciliation or minimize your experiences

✅ Offers Balanced Biblical Teaching - We explore the full counsel of Scripture, including God's heart for justice and protection of the oppressed

✅ Empowers Rather Than Controls - Helping you develop your own discernment and direct relationship with God

✅ Offers Hope Without Minimizing Reality - Acknowledging real pain while pointing toward genuine healing

Here's What You'll Experience:

🤝 Intimate Group Coaching
You'll be part of a small cohort of 12-15 other women or men (gender-separated groups) who truly understand your journey. We meet biweekly to discuss what you're learning, celebrate victories, work through challenges, and support one another.

📚 Weekly Biblical Teaching
Each week, you'll receive biblically-based teaching modules complete with exercises you can work through with God. This material is yours for life, and each week builds on the last to help you understand narcissism from God's perspective and reclaim your God-given identity.

💬 Private Online Community
You'll have access to a safe, hidden online group where you can share your story, celebrate wins, ask for prayer, and connect with others who've experienced startlingly similar scenarios. This community aspect is one of the most powerful parts of the entire 12 weeks.

Click here to speak with me or one of my coaches.

My Heart for This Work

Most people know me through my YouTube channel, "Toxicity is Not Your Destiny," where I tackle narcissism from a biblical, practical, and spiritual perspective. But what many don't know is that my whole life has prepared me for this work.

I've had to navigate numerous difficult transitions—losing closest friends, my job, and even my entire community after encounters with narcissistic individuals. Through these challenges, God led me on an amazing journey of healing and study.

In my darkest days of loneliness, confusion, and rejection after being discarded by a narcissist, I scoured every resource I could find for a biblical understanding of narcissism. Hardly anything existed that properly integrated faith and trauma recovery. Creating such resources became my mission.

My educational background includes degrees in psychology, pastoral studies, Christian counseling, and leadership of ministry. I'm a certified life coach and Christian counselor, and I spent 17 years in human resources. But more importantly, I've walked this path of healing myself.

What Participants Are Saying:

"Shaneen is one of the wisest individuals I have encountered in terms of understanding narcissism. While there are many other therapists out there, her inclusion of the spiritual component has truly solidified the healing process for me." - Clara, USA

"Before this program, I didn't have the language to communicate the depths of pain I had experienced. I couldn't articulate where the enemy had hemmed me in. God put me in this community where everybody else knew the language." - Peter, Men's Group Alumni

Ready to Begin Your Healing Journey?

The next "Recover Your Identity" program begins in September 2025. Because we're building intimate community, we have limited spots available, and enrollment is on a first-come, first-serve basis.

If you're tired of feeling stuck, confused by mixed messages about faith and abuse, and ready to move forward with people who truly understand your journey, I'd love to talk with you about whether this program is right for you.  Click here to book a call with me or one of my coaches.

Your healing matters to God, and it should matter to anyone who claims to represent Him. You don't have to navigate this journey alone. Trust your discernment, seek wise counsel, and remember that the God who sees your pain is also the God who provides your path to freedom—and sometimes, He provides it through a community of fellow travelers who understand exactly where you've been.