The Biggest Mistake Christians Make When Trying to Confront a Narcissist

Have you ever finally worked up the courage to pour out your heart to someone—hoping for healing, for reconciliation—only to walk away feeling even more confused… and somehow blamed?

You prayed before the conversation. You chose your words carefully. You even brought up Scripture, thinking it would help bring clarity and peace.

But somehow… they flipped the whole thing. And now you’re the problem.

In this post, we’re going to unpack the biggest mistake Christians often make when trying to confront a narcissist. And here’s the thing—it usually starts from a sincere heart:

• You're hoping for healing.

• You're believing for restoration.

• You're standing on Scripture.

But without discernment, that same hope can set you up to walk straight into a spiritual and emotional trap.

Real-Life Examples of How This Plays Out

Maybe for you, it was a moment with your mom. You finally opened up about how her constant criticism has worn you down over the years. You were respectful. Prayerful. You approached her with love. But somehow, by the end of the conversation, you were the ungrateful child who just didn’t understand everything she sacrificed.

Or maybe it was your spouse. You shared how their cold or dismissive comments make you feel invisible—like you don’t matter. You kept your tone soft, used “I feel” statements, even quoted Scripture about speaking the truth in love. But instead of feeling heard, you found yourself apologizing for being “too sensitive” or “always misinterpreting things.”

Or it was a church leader. You followed Matthew 18—did everything the right way. You went to them in private. You were respectful. But instead of your concerns being taken seriously, you got labeled as rebellious… or accused of “not submitting to authority.”

If you’ve ever been in that position, let me just say this right out of the gate: You are not crazy. And you are not alone.

That sick, disorienting feeling—when you enter the conversation grounded in truth and walk away second-guessing your own reality—that has a name:

It’s called gaslighting.

And it’s one of the narcissist’s most common weapons to keep you off balance and under their control.

What makes this especially painful for believers is that we walk into these conversations with real hope—biblical hope. We’ve seen God change our own hearts, so we believe He can do the same in others when truth is spoken in love.

So when that backfires—when doing it the “right” way actually makes things worse—it doesn’t just shake our relationship with that person. Sometimes, it shakes our confidence in what we thought we knew about how healing works.

I’ve walked that road myself. And I’ve counseled hundreds of people stuck in this same cycle, wondering:

“Did I do something wrong? Or is something deeper going on here?”

What Scripture Teaches About Conflict (And When It Works)

Let’s start with this: Most Christians approach conflict the way Scripture teaches us to—and in many cases, it works beautifully.

• Matthew 18:15: If someone sins against you, go to them privately.

• Ephesians 4:15: Speak the truth in love.

• Galatians 6:1: Restore gently.

• Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath.

• James 1:19: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.

These are not just good ideas—they are divine strategies for reconciliation. And they work… with healthy people.

So we do the work:

• We check our own hearts.

• We come humbly, ready to own our part.

• We assume good intentions.

• We give grace and wait in hope.

And in healthy relationships, it often leads to healing.

Example:
A woman I knew approached her husband about his workaholic tendencies that were affecting their family. Her husband initially felt defensive but took time to think and pray. And the Holy Spirit convicted his heart.  Not long after, he came back, acknowledged the truth in what she'd said, and they worked together on a healthier schedule.

That’s how biblical conflict resolution is supposed to work.

Why This Doesn’t Work With a Narcissist

Here’s the truth most of us weren’t taught clearly in church:
This approach does not work the same way with a narcissist.

A narcissist operates on a completely different emotional and spiritual system.

Let's clarify what we mean by "narcissist." I'm not talking about someone who occasionally acts selfishly or struggles with pride—that's all of us at times. I'm referring to someone with a persistent pattern of grandiosity, lack of empathy, and exploitation of others.

Psychologically, they may meet criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Spiritually, Scripture describes them too:

2 Timothy 3:2-5 describes people who are "lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive... not loving good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power."

What Happens When You Confront a Narcissist Biblically?

Well, instead of responding with humility, they come back with pride.
Instead of reflecting on their actions, they deflect—or flip it back on you.
Instead of seeking truth, they seek control.

Let me show you how this usually plays out:

• Your humility? They treat it like weakness.
  
  You say, “Hey, I want to talk about something that really hurt me—and I know I’m not perfect either.”
  But they don’t hear humility. They hear opportunity.

• Suddenly it’s:

  “Oh, so you’re admitting you’re part of the problem too? Good—because honestly, I’ve been putting up with a lot from you. Maybe we should be talking about your behavior instead.”

• Or worse—they use your honesty against you:

  “Well, if you admit you’re not perfect, maybe you should work on yourself before coming at me.”

  And just like that, the conversation flips. Now you're defending your tone instead of confronting their behavior. That humility Scripture calls us to? They use it to dodge accountability. Your grace? Becomes a license to keep doing what they’re doing. You forgive. You offer another chance. But instead of seeing that as mercy, they see it as a reset button. They say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ll do better next time.”
  

  Not because they’re convicted—but because they want things to go back to normal without actually changing.

This is classic gaslighting.

You end up defending your tone instead of addressing their behavior.

I once counseled a woman whose husband had been emotionally abusive for years.

Every time she confronted him, he’d cry, quote Bible verses about forgiveness, promise to change… maybe even show up for one counseling session. But within days? Same patterns, same behavior.

Her grace—beautiful, Christ-like—was the very thing that kept her stuck in a cycle of abuse.

Your truth? Gets twisted. You say, “When you raise your voice, I feel scared.”

They fire back with, “You’re so sensitive. I didn’t even raise my voice. Why are you dredging up the past? You’re just trying to make me look bad.” That right there? Classic gaslighting.

They twist your words, deny their actions, and turn the blame back on you.

The truth—meant to bring freedom—gets distorted in their hands. And your expectation of a simple, honest conversation? Completely derailed.

You came in thinking, “I’ll share how I felt, and we’ll work through it.” But instead, you get chaos—circular arguments, word salad, distractions from five years ago, accusations that come out of nowhere.

You leave the conversation feeling foggy, guilty, and honestly wondering if you even had the right to bring it up. And let me say this as plainly as I can: This isn’t just emotional dysfunction. It’s spiritual warfare.

It’s a battle over truth. Over your identity. Over control.

The Deeper Battle: Truth, Discernment, and Free Will

John 8:44 describes Satan as "the father of lies" who "has no truth in him." When you're dealing with someone who consistently distorts reality—who twists your words and denies their actions—you're encountering something beyond mere personality differences. You're witnessing a spiritual stronghold of deception.

And that brings us to the real issue—the real mistake.

It’s not your heart.
Your heart was in the right place.

The mistake is the assumption behind your approach.

The #1 mistake Christians make when confronting a narcissist is expecting godly behavior from someone who’s operating from an ungodly mindset.

And to be clear—this isn’t about writing someone off or declaring them beyond hope. It’s about discernment. And Jesus modeled that perfectly.

Jesus Didn’t Use a One-Size-Fits-All Approach

Notice how differently Jesus interacted with different people:

• With the woman caught in adultery, He showed tender mercy and protection.

• With the rich young ruler, He offered challenging truth.

• With the Pharisees—who were hardened in their pride—He was direct and confrontational.

• With Pilate, He sometimes remained silent altogether.

Jesus—who knew hearts perfectly—adjusted His approach based on the spiritual condition of the person before Him.

He didn't use a one-size-fits-all model for conflict or confrontation.

Matthew 7:6 contains a teaching we often gloss over:

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”

This isn't Jesus being harsh—it's Jesus teaching discernment.

He's saying some things are too precious to offer to those who will only destroy them.

Your:

• Vulnerability

• Truth

• Sincere desire to reconcile

…those are pearls.

And when someone repeatedly stomps on those pearls, you’re not being more spiritual by offering them again.

You might actually be missing what Jesus taught about discernment.

Why Biblical Confrontation Keeps Failing

We assume that if we speak the truth in love, they’ll respond with conviction.

But someone entrenched in narcissism doesn’t want truth.
They want power.

That’s why your attempts at reconciliation keep falling apart.

You’re playing by the rules of a game they’re not even playing.

You think you’re in a tennis match—but they’re playing football.

And every time you try to serve the ball, they tackle you.

A woman I know had confronted her narcissistic father about his emotional abuse. She prepared carefully and approached with genuine love.

She thought:

“If I just explained it better…
If I just found the perfect Bible verse…
If I just showed enough grace…
…he would finally understand how much he’d hurt me.”

But after multiple attempts, she realized:

“He understood perfectly well. He just didn’t care.”

And every time she made herself vulnerable, she was giving him new ammunition to use against her.

This is the deep heartbreak of many believers—especially:

• Women in marriages with narcissistic spouses

• Adult children caring for narcissistic parents

You keep thinking:

“If I just pray more, explain better, love harder… they’ll finally change.”

And when they don’t?

You start questioning:

• Yourself

• Your faith

• And sometimes even God

You wonder:

“Is my faith too weak?”
“Am I not praying hard enough?”
“Does God not care about this relationship?”

The spiritual confusion can be even more painful than the relationship itself.

I believe we’re seeing an epidemic right now—Christians leaving their faith.
Not because they stopped believing in God.
But because they can’t reconcile:

• What they went through with narcissistic church leaders

• With what they believed about God’s protection and justice

The Hard but Liberating Truth

And that’s why we need to talk about something hard—but freeing.

You might be thinking:

“But what about God’s power to change them?”

A lot of believers wrestle with this. You believe God can soften any heart—and you’re right. He can. He still does miracles. He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever.

So when I talk about taking a different approach with narcissists, many push back:

• “Aren’t you limiting God?”

• “Didn’t Jesus say nothing is impossible?”

• “Doesn’t faith move mountains?”

And those are good questions.

God’s Power Doesn’t Override Free Will

But here’s the truth:

God’s power doesn’t override someone’s free will.

That’s one of the deepest mysteries in our faith—
That an all-powerful God chooses to limit Himself out of love, respecting the freedom He gave us.

He:

• Invites

• Convicts

• Surrounds people with opportunities to repent

But He doesn’t force anyone to change.

Revelation 3:20 says:
“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.”

Notice: Christ stands at the door and knocks.
He doesn’t break the door down.
It’s our choice whether we open it.

Scripture Shows a Pattern of Resistance

Throughout Scripture, we see this repeated pattern:

• Acts 7:51 speaks of those who are “stiff-necked” and who “always resist the Holy Spirit.”

• Isaiah 63:10 describes how God’s people “rebelled and grieved his Holy Spirit.”

• Matthew 23:37 – Jesus laments:

  “How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.”

• 1 Timothy 4:2 talks about people who have a seared conscience.

What Happens When the Conscience Is Seared

Your conscience is meant to be your internal alarm system—designed by God to help you recognize right from wrong.

But when someone keeps:

• Rejecting truth

• Manipulating

• Lying

• Blame-shifting

• Dodging accountability

…year after year—
That conscience can get so damaged it stops functioning properly.

It’s like scar tissue after a bad burn. The area goes numb. It loses sensitivity.

So they can hear the truth—and feel nothing.
They can cause deep pain—and have zero remorse.

Because that internal alarm?
It’s been shut off for a long time.

In Exodus, we see Pharaoh harden his heart—again and again.

Eventually, God confirmed that hardness.

Not because God couldn’t reach him…
But because Pharaoh repeatedly refused Him.

Romans 1 shows the same pattern.

It says God “gave them over” to their own desires.

Why?

Because after constant rejection, God doesn’t force Himself.

This isn’t God giving up.
This is God honoring their choice—even when that choice breaks His heart.

You’re Not Lacking Faith

If you’ve been:

• Waiting

• Praying

• Confronting

…and nothing changes—

You’re not lacking faith.

You may actually be aligned with how God Himself handles hardened hearts.

Sometimes… He steps back and lets the consequences speak louder than your words.

When Consequences Speak Louder Than Words

Romans 1 shows that after persistent rejection, God “gave them over” to experience the natural consequences of their choices.

Not as punishment—but as a last resort to reach them.

Sometimes, the most loving—the most God-like—thing you can do for a narcissist is:

• To stop protecting them from the consequences of their actions

• To step back and allow reality to become their teacher

• Since they’ve rejected all other forms of instruction

When you stop trying to force transformation in someone who consistently rejects it, you’re not abandoning hope.

You’re acknowledging a deeper reality:

Even God—who loves that person more perfectly than you ever could—respects their free will.

You’re surrendering to:

• His timeline

• His methods

…which may look very different from what you imagined.

What Walking in Truth Looks Like

That might mean:

• Stepping back

• Enforcing consequences

• Creating emotional—and sometimes physical—distance

These aren’t acts of:

• Punishment

• Retaliation

They are acts of stewardship over the heart, mind, and spirit God has entrusted to you.

You’re not giving up on them.
You’re refusing to be consumed by them.

And that… is what walking in truth looks like.

If this post spoke to you, take a moment to download my free prayer to heal from gaslighting. 

And if you haven’t yet, be sure to subscribe to my email list or share this post with someone who may be stuck in the same cycle.

Thank you so much for reading.

Toxicity is not your destiny.
Freedom in Christ is.

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