The Narcissistic Church Leader John Warned Us About: Diotrephes

When you are dealing with a controlling, spiritually abusive pastor or church leader, you are often told that you just need to "submit to authority" and "not touch God's anointed."

You are made to feel like questioning their behavior is a sin against God Himself.

But what if their behavior isn't biblical authority at all? What if the Bible actually gives us a perfect case study of a toxic, controlling church leader, and explicitly condemns his actions?

Today, we are going to look at a man named Diotrephes, the controlling church leader the Apostle John warned us about. We will look at three things: first, the root sin that drove Diotrephes; second, the three specific abusive behaviors John calls out and how they map onto spiritual abuse today; and third, how this connects to end-times false teachers and what true spiritual authority actually looks like.

Before we dive in, I want to be very clear: we are talking about an ongoing, established pattern of malignant narcissism and spiritual abuse. We are not talking about a leader who made a mistake, took responsibility, and is capable of genuine repentance. We are talking about a system of control that uses spiritual language to dominate and destroy.

The Root of the Problem: Loving the Preeminence

Let's start with the root of the problem. Let's look at the introduction of Diotrephes in the third epistle of John.

"I wrote to the church, but Diotrephes, who loves to have the preeminence among them, does not receive us. Therefore, if I come, I will call to mind his deeds which he does, prating against us with malicious words. And not content with that, he himself does not receive the brethren, and forbids those who wish to, putting them out of the church." (3 John 1:9-10)

The phrase "loves to have the preeminence" is translated from one Greek word: philoproteuo. It literally means "fond of being first." It is the craving to be the center of attention, the ultimate authority, the one who cannot be questioned.

Now, we cannot clinically diagnose a historical figure from two verses of Scripture. But what we can do is look at the specific behaviors John identifies and recognize the pattern. And the pattern is unmistakable. A grandiose sense of self-importance, a demand for unquestioned authority, a lack of empathy for the people he casts out, and an arrogance so deep that he rejects the Apostle John himself. These align perfectly with what we now understand as narcissistic patterns of leadership.

This craving to be first is the original sin of Satan, who declared in Isaiah 14, "I will exalt my throne." It is the exact opposite of the nature of Christ. Look at what Paul writes in Philippians:

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross." (Philippians 2:5-8)

Do you see the contrast? Christ made Himself of no reputation; Diotrephes loved to have the preeminence. Christ took the form of a servant; Diotrephes lorded over the church. Christ humbled Himself; Diotrephes exalted himself.

So when a leader operates from philoproteuo, they are not operating in the Holy Spirit; they are operating in the spirit of pride. They view the church not as Christ's bride to be served, but as a platform for their own ego. In modern times, this looks like a pastor who demands special treatment, who surrounds himself with "yes men," and who treats the church budget and the congregation as his personal empire.

And notice that Diotrephes "does not receive us", referring to the Apostle John himself. A toxic leader cannot handle anyone who has legitimate spiritual authority or who might hold them accountable. They must be the smartest, most anointed person in the room. They operate in a closed system of unaccountability.

You know what this feels like. It's that moment when you bring a legitimate, biblical concern to leadership, or you suggest bringing in outside counsel, and they immediately shut it down. They cannot tolerate any voice that competes with their own. They use "touch not God's anointed" as a shield to deflect all scrutiny.

So that's the root: philoproteuo, the love of being first. Now let's look at the fruit of that root

The Three Abusive Behaviors of Diotrephes

I want to walk you through the three specific abusive behaviors that John identifies in verse 10. He doesn't just tell us Diotrephes was prideful; he gives us the receipts. And I want you to pay attention, because these three behaviors still operate in toxic church environments today.

1. False Accusations

John says Diotrephes was "prating against us with malicious words." The Greek word for "prating" is phluareo. It comes from a root meaning water boiling up and throwing off bubbles. Since bubbles are hollow and useless, it came to mean empty, baseless talk. The only other time a form of this word is used in the New Testament is in 1 Timothy 5, where it describes idle gossips.

But Diotrephes wasn't just gossiping. He was combining this empty talk with "malicious words", logois ponerois in the Greek, evil words. He was bringing false accusations designed to destroy John's reputation and turn the people against him.

When a toxic leader feels threatened, they don't address the issue; they attack the person. They twist the narrative to make themselves the victim and you the villain, often using spiritual language to turn the congregation against you. If you have watched my video on the Absalom spirit, you have already seen how a manipulator uses false narratives and flying monkeys to steal the hearts of the people around you. Diotrephes was doing the exact same thing two thousand years ago.

2. Isolation and Control

John says Diotrephes "does not receive the brethren, and forbids those who wish to." He controlled who had access to the church. He decided who was allowed in and who was kept out.

 Toxic leaders isolate their congregation. They warn you against listening to other teachers, reading certain books, or associating with people who have left the church. They demand exclusive loyalty and create an "us vs. them" mentality. If you've ever been told, "Don't listen to anyone outside this church," or "Those people who left were deceived," that is the spirit of Diotrephes at work.

3. Casting People Out

And then comes the ultimate weapon. John says Diotrephes was "putting them out of the church."

If you don't comply, you are cast out. This isn't biblical church discipline for unrepentant sin, which is meant for restoration. This is the weaponization of authority to punish dissenters. It is spiritual coercion.

If you have been pushed out of a church, shunned, or labeled "rebellious" simply because you asked questions or refused to enable abuse, I want you to know: that was not God rejecting you. That was a Diotrephes protecting his empire. God does not endorse the abuse of His sheep.

So to recap: false accusations, isolation and control, and casting out anyone who doesn't comply. That is the playbook. Now let's look at why this matters for us today.

End-Times False Teachers and the Berean Standard

This pattern of leadership is not just a historical footnote; it is a warning for the last days. The Apostle Paul warned Timothy about the exact profile of leaders who would emerge in the end times.

"But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!" (2 Timothy 3:1-5)

Look at the overlap with Diotrephes:

• "Lovers of themselves", that is philoproteuo, the love of being first.
• "Boasters, proud", that is the arrogance of rejecting apostolic authority.
• "Slanderers", that is prating with malicious words.
• "Headstrong", that is refusing all correction. And here is the key:
• "having a form of godliness but denying its power." They operate within the church structure.
  
  They have the title, the platform, the Sunday morning performance. But they deny the true power of Christ, which is humility and servanthood.

And what is Paul's command? "From such people turn away!"

Now here is the danger I want you to understand. When you stay under this kind of leadership, three things happen:

1. You are blocked from the truth: You are being blocked from access to the true, uncompromised Word of God. A Diotrephes will twist Scripture to serve his agenda, and you will slowly absorb a distorted version of the gospel without even realizing it.
2. You are cut off from true shepherds: You are being cut off from people who are true shepherds, leaders who are actually walking in genuine spiritual authority, who would challenge the abuse and point you to Christ.
3. You are in spiritual danger: You are in danger of the very thing Jesus warned about in Matthew 15:14: "They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch." Both the blind leader and the blind follower fall into the pit. That is the spiritual danger of remaining under a Diotrephes.

So what is the solution? How do we protect ourselves?

We adopt the standard of the Bereans.

"These were more fair-minded than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness, and searched the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so." (Acts 17:11)

The Bereans were commended by God because they did two things: they received the word with readiness, they were open and teachable, and they searched the Scriptures daily to verify what they were being taught. They didn't just blindly accept what they were told. They tested it against the Word of God.

A true spiritual leader will invite your questions and encourage you to search the Scriptures. A Diotrephes will punish you for it. That is the difference.

I know the wounds of spiritual abuse run deeper than almost anything else. When the very people who were supposed to represent God to you end up representing the enemy, it shatters your soul. But God sees your wounds. He knows exactly what was done to you. He is the ultimate Good Shepherd, and He is the restorer of your soul.

FREE RESOURCE: If you want to be a Berean about this, if you want to search the Scriptures and test what you are seeing in your own environment, I have a free checklist for you called Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments. It will walk you through the specific patterns we've talked about today so you can hold them up against your own situation and trust what you are discerning. Download it today!

Toxicity is not your destiny!

Related Resources:

• When Narcissists Drive People Away From Faith [Watch] [Read]
• The Spirit of Antichrist in Your Home: Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse as Spiritual Warfare [Watch] [Read]
• The #1 Thing God Hates the Most about Narcissists [Read] [Watch]
• The Addiction of Religious Narcissists:  How They Pursue Narcissistic Supply Through Religious Camouflage [Read] [Watch]
• How God Sees the Narcissist Pastor [Read] [Watch] 
• Malignant Narcissists in Ministry:  How to Spot their Covert Tactics [Read] [Watch]
• Letter to the Pastor's or Minister's Wife [Read] [Watch] 
• 10 Signs Your Church Is Turning Into a Cult. [Read] [Watch]
• 10 Subtle Signs of Spiritual Abuse: How to Spot a Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. [Read] [Watch] 
• Eight Steps to Leaving a Toxic Church or Cult Unscathed [Read] [Watch]
• How Narcissistic Abuse Undermines Your Spiritual Discernment [Read] [Watch]

Find more resources in our topic-based catalog

Downloadable Resources 

• The Believer's Guide to Identifying Flying Monkeys
• 7-Day Email Journey to Survive a Narcissistic System  
• 7-Day Email Series:  Journey to Freedom From the Pain of Injustice  
• 100 Biblical Declarations to Strengthen Your Identity in Christ
• Checklist: Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments
• Checklist: 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• Guide: How to Pray for a Narcissist
• Prayer: Healing from Gaslighting
• E-book: 7 Steps to Spot a Narcissist